Kim Jay...Everyday

Nursing school has sucked the funny out of me...

2011-08-25T00:27:00.003-05:00

So, I'm way-flattered that I have had several comments about the fact that I have not blogged in quite awhile. When I write these little blogposts, I really don't even think about the fact that other people are going to read it. Mostly, it has been a personal little pressure valve on my sanity.

So, due to popular demand (like, 3 people), I've tried to jot out a few posts. Even posted one, one that I just re-read and DELETED. And, I have come to the realization, I'm afraid, that I may have lost any sort of semblance of funny or witty or intelligent or even lucid trains of thought. Possibly, permanently. Nursing school has sucked the funny out of me. Good grief. Why couldn't it have sucked-out the adipose cells in my butt (due to the elevated levels of glucose and carbohydrates I have consumed while studying)?

See? Everything is a medical term now. When I look at people, I now see zygomatic muscles and lacrimal apparatuses. Charlie rubs my shoulders while I study and I think, "Oh, that feels good to my trapezius. Oh, baby." I read labels on everything. And, I'm convinced every time we move to a different disease in pathophysiology, that I'm dying of that condition. I look into Peanut's beautiful blue eyes and wonder what her optic discs look like. Oh. My. Gosh!

People. I'm not even six months in. Crazy has settled in and won't take the hint she has overstayed her welcome! Some days I have to concentrate just to remember to breathe. Some days I feel like giving a sitter my credit card and running away.

Some days I am keenly aware of the presence of the Living Water in my life. Days when I KNOW I have nothing left of my own, He provides. Days when I feel like I've alienated all my friends and family by NEVER being available for them, He uses their hands and feet to minister to me in child care, smiles, prayers, hugs, ears to listen.

Some fellow classmates have already given up. Some have dropped out. And, I know that was the best decision for them. But, me? No. I have thought about it. I've even been told maybe I should consider it. But, I asked God and He gave me an emphatic "No, little Kimmy. You are where I have placed you right now. Hang on."

So, I will keep on keeping on. I'm figuring if He brought me to it, as cliche as it sounds, He will bring me through it. Jesus certainly has a perfect track-record of faithfulness in MY life.

I just pray for all of you guys. Why? Because you have to watch the struggle. Listen to the whining. Endure the boring Instagram pics of myself studying in bed. I pity your position. Unfriend or unfollow if you need to, you'll get no judgement from me!

But, know I love you guys. Every single letter of every word of encouragement you all have given me is treasured in my heart.

Kim

Gorgeous on the inside...

2011-03-20T15:28:00.001-05:00

Big breath in. The last month has been good, but CRAZY! Seriously, let's list just a few of the events:

Wrapped up my photography career into a neat little box and stored it away until nursing school is over.
Bradyn got braces.
Morgan ROCKED out the ACT.
Bradyn got contacts.
Anna potty trained herself in one day...still only one accident.
I started a diet (which has entailed an hour a day commitment to work out - 8 pounds so far.)
Interviewed with The University of Tennessee Health Science Center for their Masters of Science in Nursing degree.
Morgan totalled her car - all over our neighborhood clubhouse lawn and landscape (poor Moey.)
Went to Maui with three of my favorite people in the world.
Survived a tsunami. (Okay, okay. A little melodramatic. We slept in our rental car on a hill in Kapalua while my Facebook page exploded by wonderful people who care about me.)
Was accepted to UTHSC nursing school!
Am I leaving anything out? (Oh, wait. That's not a list item.)

Am I leaving anything out? My life is GREAT. Seriously. I told a lady at church today, that if faced with a wishing well, penny in hand, I would be scrambling for something to wish for. Now, this kind of life-season doesn't come along too often. You know, when everything is going smoothly and everyone you are responsible for is seemingly happy and healthy. So, please know I'm aware of my amazing God's favor on me right now. Why on earth He is choosing to bless me so, right now? I don't know. But, I certainly ain't gonna question it!

All that being said, I still own a toddler. And, two teenagers. The teenagers are, for the most part right now, a joy. It's that rascal Peanut. We are working on all sorts of godly behavior we want her to learn to demonstrate in her daily life. You know. Talking to others respectfully, please and thank you's, contrition, generosity, and "cetra."

I'm not gonna lie. I think all three of my girls are the most beautiful children on the planet. As most of you all probably feel about your own. We all, of course, get the nice complements about how beautiful they are constantly. To which they are SUPPOSED to reply, "Thank you." Sometimes, it comes out more like, "uh, huh." SO, we're working on what it means to be "pretty in our hearts." I'm pulling out the scriptures left and right:

"The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." - Proverbs 31:30

Post-mortem time-out meetings go something like this:

"Okay, Anna. The timer went off. What do you need to say?"

"I'n sawy, mommy."

"What are you sorry for?"

"I'n sawy I not share."

"That's good, Peanut. You are my beautiful little girl. But, Jesus wants us to beautiful in our hearts, too. And, when we share and are nice to our friends, our insides are beautiful, too! Okay?"

"Otay, mommy. I wuv you."

"I love you, too, little Peanut."

Now, I know, this sounds all happy and sweet and crap, but I must tell you, this is like, a hundred times per day. So, imagine the tantrums and attitude and hitting and grabbing of toys out of friends' hands all the time.....as you think of this sweet moment. It takes a lot out of a 40-something mom! And, seriously, sometimes I wonder if we're going through this stage so that God can remind ME that I need to beautiful on the inside as well. Ah, good ol' learning through repetition.

"Dear God, Please forgive me for focusing on outward appearances and help me be beautiful on the inside. Amen."

A new chapter...

2011-01-18T20:13:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year again when the phone starts ringing, and emails keep my phone a buzzin'. It's that time when people start making their photographic plans for the year. And, I love it!

However...

It has been brought to my attention, that while I think I can do everything, I cannot. I am currently taking Microbiology to finish up (as some of you know) prerequisites to get into nursing school. I've applied to a couple of different programs, and am SO excited about my new career possibilities. But, I thought I would be able to handle it all. Turns out...maybe I was wrong. There, I said it. I was wrong. Boy, oh boy. I bet there are a few of you enjoying THAT phrase coming from my mouth! But, it's true. It's crazy up in the Jay crib!

Yeah, the new year has a way of making you take stock of your life, your priorities, and your schedule. And, if the new year doesn't...completing your tax-prep sure will! So, while I will definitely fulfill the appointments I do have on the calendar, I will not be taking any new ones. This tears me up! I love it so much, but I just can't do it all. My girls will have to be my creative outlet for the time being.

I would like to thank all of my customers who have been SO sweet, and supportive, and loyal. And, in two years, maybe I will get the photography part of my life back. But, it is clear that God is leading me in a different direction. I pray for my clients, especially as I edit your sweet pics. So, if you have an extra minute, would you pray for me? This next few years are going to be tough ones. Morgan will be a senior in high school, Bradyn will be an 8th grader, Anna will be in daycare for the first time, and I will be in school FULL-TIME. Poor Charlie. Pray for him the most. :)

I have a LOAD of photographer friends who are AMAZING! I would be glad to give you names and urls. Just drop me a line. :)

With much love and gratitude for you all,

Kim

Working in the shop...

2010-11-27T17:00:00.001-06:00

There is no way to even count how many days I have spent in my dad's "Shop." Right by his side, talking, learning, cleaning, sanding, holding, sawing, helping. "Put your work clothes on and help me in the shop," he would say on his way out the door. I'd jump into my old clothes, grab one of his work coats or flannel jackets, and head to the barn. Roll the big green door to the side, turn on the lights, and my dad would set the radio to NPR or Weevil. If I was lucky, Lake Wobegon.

In winter, it was my job to get wood scraps as "kindling" to start the pot belly stove we kept warm with. Whenever it got so cold I couldn't feel my fingers anymore, I'd head over and stand by that stove and soon, I'd be warm and toasty. When I was little, I used to put pennies on the top and watch them turn colors. Or we'd spit on the top, and watch it bead off and disintegrate. In the summer, we'd roll the gargantuan fan over to the door for a nice breeze in the scorching heat. Spray our legs and arms for mosquitos. Dad would ask mom for more tea, please. No matter whether it was summer or winter, spring or fall...the smells are the same. Lacquer thinner. Wood shavings. My daddy's sweat - which never, ever seemed anything but my daddy to me. Never foul. Just hard-working sweat.

I miss those days. Me, right there by my daddy. I prided myself in knowing which tool he would need before he asked for it. Having it right there and surprising him. Sweeping the wood shavings. Using the air compressor to blow all the dust from the work benches. As I got older, I was allowed to used the BIG stuff. The planer, the table saw, the band saw. That was the big-time - when you go to use the big tools. Scariest of all? Router, no question. Still surprised I have all my fingers.

I tell you what. I know God won't let me keep my mama and daddy here on earth forever, but when that day comes, I am going to have a really hard time letting go. When daddy dies, which will hopefully be another 40 years from now, I imagine, we all will spend a lot of time in that shop just sitting there, feeling his presence.

We don't work out there very much anymore. We have gotten so busy. Last year, we mostly spent our time working on the boat. But, my little Brady-Lady, however, has been enjoying my daddy like I always did. They have a new project...to make Bradyn's very own dulcimer. I made mine when I was twelve. It's her turn. I would venture to guess not too many thirteen-year-old little girls jump out of bed on Saturday morning eager to spend time in a dirty, dusty, cold, shop with her Pa. Mine does. She's a lot like me.

Think I need to come up with a project, so I can have some more shop time with my daddy. All three of my daughters are a lot like me in different ways. This is the way Bradyn is like me. I love her, and I love my Daddy...

Sweet, sweet, Sammy!

2010-11-13T16:25:00.000-06:00

Well, if you could cut two of the cutest little boys out of the same mold - it would have to be sweet little Sammy after his big brother Jude. They look SO much alike! I just love this sweet family so much. Both mom and dad are worship leaders at our church, and truly...we are blessed beyond words to have them. Thank you, God for them!

Enjoy, sweet, sweet, Sammy (and big brother Jude)...

With a red face and teary, yet shining eyes...

2010-11-12T10:05:00.000-06:00

Okay, so a little bragging. I'm up today and actually at my computer trying to GET A GRIP after my surgery. I was Facebooking away, and found a note I posted on my page ages ago that I thought I would share with you all today.

I think Bradyn was in 5th Grade when she wrote this. Here is the note as posted on Facebook:

This is a story Bradyn wrote for the "Brag Board" at school. The teacher just told them whoever wanted to write a story about anything could, and she would pick the best to display for Open House. Here it is exactly as she wrote it:

The Civil War

My name is Peter Yearling and when I was young I had quite an experiance. It was during the time of the Civil War that I was fifteen and sitting in a small room the color of well...puke. That is precisly what I felt like doing because there in that little, pukish, room the Civil War draft took place.

My family and I expected to hear my father's name get called any second. Sure enough about ten minuets later the big, frightening, loud man said "Peter Yearling", but when my father stood up he said "junior". Everyone crowded around me...crying. I also felt a single drop flow down my cheek when I saw my father, the guy who never cries, shake my hand with a red face and teary, yet shining eyes.

By Bradyn Malone

Happy birthday, dear Elly......

2010-10-25T20:11:00.000-05:00

Oh! Elly! I've had her as a client since day one! And, it is amazing to see how much she has grown in just a little ol' year. Elly just knocks my socks off every time. And, cuddly! I could just sit and hold her all day long. Although, I doubt at her new mobile age of ONE, she'd have sitting still for long. But, at least I got some cuddle time in WHILE we were shooting! Yes, those are MY legs you see in that first pic!

Little Elly...

Lovely ladies....

2010-10-24T21:50:00.002-05:00

These three beautiful little dolls just made my whole day. Their mom, my college buddy and an amazing cancer survivor, has every ounce of these precious little ones' respect and admiration. She had them just laughing in pure delight for every shot. I could tell this sweet family not only did life together, but they had FUN together! Enjoy...

Photography in a stranger's bedroom....

2010-10-13T17:32:00.002-05:00

Often, I have seen his bed while taking clients down my "favorite alley" downtown to capture our sweet little ones, to celebrate graduation from high school, or a new engagement. But, I had never seen the man. The man I prayed for so many times, as I wondered what his life must be like. So, I offer this glimpse of the homeless life in the City of Memphis. Join me in praying for him...

Cutest little rascals!

2010-10-09T13:41:00.000-05:00

We have been blessed with an abundance of wonderful neighbors. These little rascals are just about the cutest things you'll see. This little family was my second customer when I started photography. And, now, two years later, we still have a BLAST every time I get to photograph them. Just love them! Enjoy...

Stella-stella-bo-bella...

2010-10-05T19:25:00.000-05:00

This little cutie was SOOOOOO much fun! I have to say, I've had a rash of two-year-olds lately, and they are exhausting. But, always fun. Stella was a BREEZE! She really was so much fun and so easy-going for a two. Enjoy...

Beware the dimple...

2010-10-05T19:14:00.001-05:00

You may be hooked! These sweet little girls and boy are some of my FAVORITES to photograph! Not just because they are cute as all get-out, but because we have so much fun every time!

Enjoy the Yambrek's...

An angel...

2010-10-05T17:37:00.000-05:00

Sweet little Lillian. Her mommy was one of my former youth way back when I was a youth director for the church I grew up in. Now, she is a MOM! It doesn't seem possible. And, boy what a good job she and her hubby did....helping God make a beautiful baby! Little Lillian is an absolute angel. Enjoy...

Oh, my!

2010-09-20T14:07:00.000-05:00

I'm blessed with an abundance of awesome families to photograph. This bunch is no exception. Just the sweetest little family! Enjoy...

Kalie...

2010-09-08T22:00:00.002-05:00

Kalie. Wow. I have known Kalie for, hmmm....at least seven years. And, in that seven years, she has grown into a BEAUTIFUL young woman. I haven't seen her in awhile, and when we booked her senior picture session, I totally expected this little 10-11 year-old little girl to show up. Time always surprises me. But, I wasn't surprised at all at how sweet, gracious, and beautiful Kalie is as a young woman. Her very proud parents have every right to be just that....proud.

Kalie...

Beautiful distraction...

2010-09-03T16:23:00.001-05:00

There's a fine line between what we think we need to get done, and what we as moms, really need to get done. I struggle with this constant-freakin'-ly! I get in my head all these things that just must be done in order for the universe to continue to move in it's God-given course. As if, my little obsessive compulsive monsters could in any way alter the course of humanity.

Yes. I must edit these sessions. Yes. I must read this chapter. Yes. The dishes have sat there all day long. Yes. The carpet would be LESS hospitable to all those little dust mites that seem to make our sinuses explode, if I were to clean it RIGHT NOW. Yes. The world may just possibly end if I do not get those footprints off the unscrubable walls painted with flat-what-was-I-thinking paint! Yes. Yes. Yes. Don't even tell me it is all untrue. Don't. Stop. You know you're about to.

Because I already know. I know that the footprints will come off the wall just as well next week. The carpet is important, but so is my family. I have gotten so caught up in all the minutia of life, that I looked up and Brady-Lady is nearly grown! She comes in from school, hugs me, and I can no longer smell her hair under my nose. No. She is nearly staring me in the face! Morgan doesn't even always come home from school. No, she has a job and friends and church.

So, today I'm trying to get a bunch done before we head to the lake. And, of course, Peanut is not helping. But, that's okay. It will all get done. And, in the meantime...I get to play with this beautiful distraction. Have a safe, fun, Labor Day Weekend.

Kim

Wordless Wednesday: Let us pray...

2010-09-01T16:15:00.000-05:00

"Let everything that breathes praise the LORD! Hallelujah!"

- Psalm 150:6

Generations of note writers and savers...

2010-08-31T17:33:00.001-05:00

One thing my family's got down pat is...saying the important things. Oh yeah, we get on each other's nerves. We get all up in each other's business. But, in my family...there is love. And, not only that, we tell each other. A lot. And, we speak it, write it, email it, and hug and cuddle it. Then, we keep it. Forever.

Another such example I found while removing the primate from my shoulders last week, is a whole collection of notes in one envelope. My mom gave me this envelope shortly after my grandmother died, now seven years ago. She was one of my best friends. I was VERY close to my grandmother. Her, my brother Matt, and me are the only redheads in the family! (Yet, at least. REALLY hoping my little niece shoots out in October with bright, red, hair!) My mom and my aunts had the task of going through all of HER cards and financial papers and keepsakes. And, in that process, she found these treasures.

The first note was from my mom:

Dearest Kim,

Thank you for the many loving acts of kindness you gave Grandmama through the years. I know that you treasure each memory. Someday you will be the type of grandmother who will mail catalog paper dolls to her granddaughters…sing silly songs…talk about ancestors to let your grandchildren know who they are….and, tell them how much Jesus loves them. I am so proud of you!

Love,

Mama

I love my mom so much. The way she loves Jesus. The way she listens. The way she makes you feel like the most important person in the world. It is truly because of her, that I am a follower of Christ. She has held on to him her whole life, despite the hardships she grew up in. Losing her dad at the age of twelve, being raised by a single mom who had to work! in the fifties and sixties! My mom is truly one to know. And, I'm the luckiest - I'm her daughter.

Included in the envelope was another note found in my grandmother's treasures. Well, two other notes. One, was written by my mother near my due date, which was around Thanksgiving, 1969. Yes. I finally was coaxed out of the warm, safe, belly of my mama on December 9th! I don't think my mom has ever forgiven my tardiness. Or my size...9 lbs. 6 oz. The envelope, addressed to my grandmother had specific instructions (Mama, Do not open this until I am in the Delivery Room. See ya soon. Love ya! Susan) The letter read:

Dear Mama,

I know you’ll worry about me but try not to – I’m healthy as a horse. My baby will be too. Mama, I would give anything in the world to give you a grandson, but if I do have a little girl try not to be too disappointed, after all almost 21 years ago you had a “sweet” little girl.

I am going to teach this child all the little things you taught us. For instance, yes ma’am, and no ma’am; and various sayings such as “If a job is once begun never leave it till it’s done – be the labor great or small do it well or not at all.” Well, Mama, I am doing my labor (Excuse the pun!) as well as I know how. I just wanted you to know I love you very much and I appreciate everything you’ve taught me. I’ll close now so I can see my first born as soon as I can.

Love,

Your First Born

Ps. Please don’t let anyone else read this. This is just for you.

My mom included in my envelope, a picture of her holding me. One that I will cherish as long as I live. It was just me and her then. Before my pesky brothers came along and spoiled the party. :) I'm just kidding. But, I do think about that a lot. There was that same kind of special time with all three of my girls. Before Bradyn was born, there was just me and Moey. Then, when Morgan went to Kindergarten, it was just me and Brady-Lady. Now, my sweet time during the day with Peanut. This picture makes me feel special. And, I see my resemblance to her. Some have asked me if Morgan had red hair as a baby. They think it's me and Moey! Also, in the envelope, two pics. One, of my mom and me in Grandmama's yard, and one of Morgan and me in Grandmama's yard. Nearly identical.

The other note REALLY cracked me up, and then REALLY made me cry. I'm crying right now. Just knowing that grandmama kept this note after more than 20 years because I wrote it. She loved me so much. It was really crazy how much I've been loved in my life. She, and Papa Tang, Granddaddy and Memaw, and my parents led the pack. Heck! She called me, "Lil Sug"! I mean, as an adult, she introduced me to other adults as "Lil Sug." Here's the other note:

Dear Grandmama,

I love you very much. I really loved staying with you. And you weren’t bad company.

Love,

Kimberley D. Roaten

Ps. Thank you for letting me wrap your presents. Kim

The letter was dated December 19, 1980. I was eleven. How funny. "And you weren't bad company." Oh, what I would give to spend the night with Granna. To listen to her say "The Lord is my Shepherd," to me at bedtime. To sing all the old hymns I had never heard. Oh, I miss her.

So, the moral of this story? Write the notes. Don't just say it. Don't just email it. Make a HARD COPY of how much you love and appreciate and cherish one another. (Cough! Charlie! Cough!) Because, when we are gone....heck, even if we are just older, reading these treasures is just that. A treasure. Nothing else on earth means anything. If you have everything you can buy, but no one to love you - no one to TELL you that they love you...what have you got?

Love to all my friends,

Kim

Nighttime rituals...

2010-08-29T14:24:00.001-05:00

Had a BALL with little Julia last week. She was just the most delightful little bundle of one! I could have stayed and played all night. Mom had a WONDERFUL idea...capture the nighttime ritual. Could somebody please come to my house and do this for me? I LOVE it. Thanks, mom.

Little Jules...

Client Spotlight: Darren Andrus

2010-08-27T12:21:00.001-05:00

I had the wonderful blessing of photographing the Andrus family during this past summer. What a joy of a session! Their three girls were just as sweet and well-behaved as can be. They were celebrating the recent adoption of their oldest child, Jennifer, with a NEW family portrait that included their new addition.

So, of course I was delighted when Darren asked me to help with some promo shots for his new ministry website. Darren is currently the Director of the Tennessee Baptist Children's Home, in Bartlett, Tennessee. In his new ministry, Dr. Darren Andrus, helps parents like you and me, learn how parent successfully when all else has failed. What an amazing ministry! Here are a few favs from our session together. If you get a chance, stop by his website, and follow him on Twitter (@DarrenAndrus). You won't be sorry!

Postmarked: November 27, 1984...

2010-08-25T12:38:00.002-05:00

So, last week, I shook that monkey off my back. And, in doing so, I found blessing after blessing among the junk. One such blessing, was a letter from my Daddy dated back in November of 1984. The thing that struck me the most about this letter, is that he was trying to see my side of it. And, trying to show me his. Often, with teenagers, we as parents go with our instincts and lash-out and hold firm on "being right." My daddy loved me enough to look at my side. To value my feelings. Because he valued me, I valued me. And, I am CERTAIN that led me to make better choices in life.

Apparently, we had some sort of argument which quite possibly may have been focused around the fact that I felt that I was getting the majority of the work around the house - because I was the only girl. He sent this letter from the bank to our home address at the time....I was the first one home, and the first to get the mail each day. I had to chuckle when he signed it, "Dennis." I love my Daddy.

I asked his permission to share this letter in an email:

Daddy,

I am cleaning out my old boxes full of files and keep-sakes. I found this letter from you, postmarked November 1984. I was about to turn 15. 25 years ago. Wow. Thank you for being the kind of daddy who writes letters like this to his daughter. I love you so very much. I wish every daughter in the world had what I have. I often wonder how it was that I got lucky enough to have you and mom. Why did God bless ME so much?

Do you mind if I share this on my blog? If sharing this letter spurred one dad to write a letter like this to his daughter, to me, it would be worth it. I understand if it is too personal, too. Your call.

Hope you are having a wonderful day! Did the American Pickers call?

Love,

Your darling daughter. :)

November 27, 1984:

Dear Kim,

You are most precious to me, you are all I ever could hope for in a daughter. You are gracious, loving, concerned, thoughtful, creative, ambitious, brave, and fair. You are industrious, tender, and a beautiful daughter.

These teen-age years are a mixed time of your lie. You will have much personal growth mentally as well as physically. I hope that your mother and I can love and support you as much as possible, to allow you to be free to test your wings and enjoying this maturing time. I'm sorry if I come on too strong at times. You are like me in many ways, you and I both have many things too do. We have many goals and aspirations for ourselves. We both feel frustrated a lot because these goals are usually to high and many times not achieved because of reasons out of our control.

Please be patient with me and try to understand. I hope I'm not that bad a father. My aim is really to encourage Matt, and Jared to take more initiative and responsibility in helping in our family. Being head of a family is a tremendous responsibility, that comes with much joys, pride, love and pain. I believe we have a great deal in our family. WE share more than most other families. Susan and I work hard to provide for you and the boys, and appreciate how hard you work to help us.

"Thank you God, for giving us Kim. Please lead - guide - and protect her all the days of her life."

We love you,

Dennis

Monkey on my back...

2010-08-24T20:34:00.000-05:00

The monkey has left the building. That monkey that I carried around on my back for the past five years. That monkey that sat upstairs in boxes! taunting me not just for a second time, but continuously. The monkey on my back is gone!

When I got that fateful call from my ex-husband five years ago, that our marriage was kaput!, I immediately went into panic-packing mode. My sweet small group friends at church were my accomplices in collecting all my belongings which suddenly became my belongings, and not our belongings with that one phone call. Suddenly, my desk was my desk. His guitar was his guitar. And, so on, and so on. In that mad rush, the filing I had put off for a month or so, was piled in a box and toted to my mom and dad’s house with everything else that was suddenly mine.

Then, I began to work full-time for the first time in 11 years. That little filing pile grew slowly, like one of those moles you watch carefully but don’t quite feel it’s time to slice off yet. I’m so tired, I remember thinking, I’ll do it Saturday when the girls are with their dad. Enter, Dancin’ Jimmy. The weekends on a plane, the weekends on a phone, the weekends on email. The pile grew. By the time we got married, the pile needed to be biopsied badly! It was surely malignant by now.

Then, we got married and moved to Richmond. I wanted to spend the summer with my girls before they started their new school, so I put it off some more. I would definitely get to it when school starts. Enter, Peanut. Well, embryonic Peanut. Boy, oh boy. I knew from the day of the first pregnancy test this one was gonna be a doozy! Sick doesn’t describe it. Then, as I finally was able to regain my composure after that first trimester, my heart started going crazy, then as I got that under control, the hip went out. So, that box upstairs? Not an option. Then, we moved to Memphis and well, baby who doesn’t nap.

The bad thing was, it was eating at me everyday. I could not sit on my couch, play outside, go to the pool, without thinking about that mess upstairs. And, worse!, what must Charlie think of me? The last thing on the planet I would want him to think, was that I was......gasp….unorganized! It’s my crack, y’all. Can’t cook, can’t nurse a baby, but dang it, I can ORGANIZE!

So, Peanut is two. And, has thankfully (KNOCK ON A FREAKING HOUSE MADE OF WOOD) has been so sweet, helpful, and docile lately. And, I’m between classes. SO…

I DID IT! And, it was an amazingly wonderful three days. Among the files, bills, report cards, insurance cards, birth certificates, MARRIAGE licenses, were cards. Dozens of them. From my dad. My mom. My grandparents. My brother, even. And, I sat and cried for three days. Tomorrow I will begin to share some of them. And, truly…they are the most valuable possessions I own.

Monday, monday...

2010-08-23T16:48:00.000-05:00

Just enjoying the laziness that is my life THIS DAY. I am between classes in my quest to get my pre-reqs before I apply to nursing grad school. I finished an ENORMOUS project that I had been putting off for YEARS, this weekend. (Blog tomorrow.) And, I had a few days in between sessions to rest photographically. Today, I have just relished every Peanut moment I could - knowing it will be over very soon.

It has been ages since I could REALLY relax - at home. Sure! On vacation laying on the beach, when my laundry, projects, dust-bunnies, work, kids...were all a thousand miles away, I was able to relax. But, at home, it is impossible to relax guilt-free. (Again, tomorrow's blog.) But, today? Today was about the Nut....

This one, totally out of focus, but scrumptiously Peanut...

See what a good mom I am?

2010-08-18T10:51:00.001-05:00

I couldn't sleep last night. No idea why, but for the past week, it has been hard for me to get to sleep. I think I finally gave up Words With Friends and Twitter and Facebook around 12:30, and finally gave up the ghost. Prior to that, I laid in the dark, with my iphone brightness set way-low, so as not to wake the dude in bed with me. That, my friends, is called ADDICTION.

2:30. Screams from the baby monitor. Here it is, I thought.

I knew the first night of "big girl bed" festivities went too smoothly. And, I also knew how many people I bragged to about my sweet little Anna. I don't believe in Karma, but last night it bit me in the BUTT!

For those of you who didn't get to hear about how great my daughter is, what a good mom I am because of it....we took the rail off of Peanut's bed Monday night. And, it went off without a hitch. She slept all night, and got up and played in her room for 45 minutes before I had to drag my lazy booty out of bed yesterday morning. See what a good mom I am?

But, last night, God said, "Oh, yeah? Little Miss Kim is getting too big for her breeches!"

I heard that little voice over the baby monitor calling to me amidst the tears. Jumped out of bed (how I wish I could do that everyday - just jump out of bed) and walked not-slowly down to Peanut's room. When I opened the door, I found her standing by her dresser bawling her eyes out. I wasn't sure whether she had fallen out of bed, or had a night terror. We haven't had a night terror in quite sometime. But, you never know.

"There, there, sweet girl. Did you fall out of bed?"

"Yes, I fall. I fall. Mommy, mommy. I fall."

Poor thing. But, something didn't add up. She was really crying. And, I had taken measures to make sure she didn't hurt herself too badly if she did fall. See what a good mom I am?

I decided not to put one of those training rails up, hoping that maybe if she fell off a couple of times onto the mat without getting hurt, it would help train her not to sleep on the edge. That makes sense, right? Right? Come on people, I've done this before, you know!

So, I consoled her, even let her lay in bed with us for a little bit. Put her back to bed, which involved letting her cry a little, which totally broke my heart. "Mommy! Mommy!" Then, finally, quiet. I went back to sleep.

I don't even remember what time it was when she woke up again. Frankly, I don't remember much about that incident, except I know I got up. I think I went in and covered her up (she was in bed) and turned her music on for her - at her request. At least, that's what I think.

So, this morning, this is who woke up and played in her room happily...

Notice anything?

Yep. Bruises all over her face and neck. Oh man. See what a good mom I am? Oh man.

I have spent the good portion of this morning trying to recreate the scene last night, using all of the skills I have learned on 48 Hours and Forensic Files, in hopes to figure out HOW THE HECK DID THIS HAPPEN TO MY BABY? (I removed the crime scene tape from her room before I photographed it for you.)

All I can figure, is when she fell out of bed, IN THE DARK, she tried to get to the door and smacked her face on the dresser. Or, she tried to get back in bed and tripped and hit her face on the side of her bed. I really don't know.

Charlie suggested maybe we put a night-light in there for her. I don't know. I'm wondering if we did that, would she DEFINITELY be getting out of bed all night and coming to get us? That maybe the dark would be her mental bedrail? That maybe this incident will make her think, I'm not getting out of bed again and smacking my face against something! But, I also don't want her to get hurt. What to do? What to do? I've got today to pray about it. And, your thoughts/suggestions are WELCOME!

Oh, girls (and dudes), this stuff doesn't get easier. Even the third time around.

See what a good mom I am?

2:37 PM - UPDATE:

After a jog with mom in her stroller, we attempted nap-time. She clung to me like I was about to leave her at the boogey-man's house. I said, "Do you want me to put the rails back on?" "Yes!" So I did. She is asleep and I will be tonight!

Hot, hot, day...

2010-08-17T16:01:00.001-05:00

We had a lot of fun at the Memphis Botanic Gardens, even though it was hot as all get out that day! But, Carson was a trooper! And, something about those rosy cheeks makes him even sweeter.

Carson...

Blackbird singing in the dead of night...

2010-08-16T11:37:00.000-05:00

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise,

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

See these two? There's a special bond between these two people that not many get to experience. My dad and my daughter.

My dad called me just now and said, "I'm done......I'm done." Initially, this caught me completely off guard. Done? Is work okay? Are you and mom okay? Did I do something wrong? "Something happened the other night that I will never forget as long as I live. My granddaughter went to see Paul McCartney, and called ME so I could hear Blackbird."

See, Bradyn is a major Beatles fan. So much so, that her dad flew her up to Philly this weekend to hear Paul McCartney in concert for her 13th birthday. I know, I know, it's tough being Bradyn! But, Pa and Nana? Also Beatles fans. My mom made sure that Bradyn knew that SHE loved Sir Paul for longer than Bradyn's mother was alive. I grew up listening to those old 8-tracks of The Beatles and John Denver. That is, until my dad discovered the dulcimer. Then, the focus sharply turned to mountain folk music. Woo hoo! (Major sarcasm, in case you didn't catch that.) I'll just say this, if your dad MAKES dulcimers, you're gonna be one popular girl in high school! (More, major sarcasm. Just oozing with it now.)

Bradyn, however, loves the dulcimer. She and my parents never miss a Dulcimer Festival in Mountain View, Arkansas. She has her very own, and frequently goes to the lake with my parents to do their little dulcimer-stuff. And, over the years, listening to the Beatles during that three hour drive, "Blackbird" has become their "song."

Talking to my dad just now, we talked about the fact that it was their song. "Me and my granddaughter have a 'song'. That fills my heart up so much, I can't even talk about this anymore at work. I'm getting all emotional." So, with that, he went on to the next customer at the bank. But, I know, that although he probably would rather be retired right now, that today may be a frustrating one, he knows that Brady-Lady loves him. And, that's a blessing not many in this world get.

And, today, for me, even though Peanut is screaming for her Daddy to come down stairs, that I have to work, and do a million other things....I know that both Brady-Lady and my Daddy love me. None of this pittly little stuff is worth the energy those frustrations demand. I am loved.

Just a heads-up...

2010-08-15T18:56:00.000-05:00

Hello everybody! Just wanted to give you all a heads up about scheduling for the rest of the year. I will be having a little "procedure", the first week in October that will require several weeks of taking it easy for recovery. Nothing major, just a little tune-up and some girl stuff. (You're welcome, guys - for sparing you the gory details.) Read more here, if you'd like.

SO....this means that after September, I will not be taking appointments until January. Just wanted to give you all a little warning, in case you have been putting off making that call to get your date on my books. :) But, I will be back...FULL FORCE at the beginning of the year! So, don't forget about me!

Love to you all,
Kim

What is wrong with me?

2010-08-04T21:57:00.000-05:00

Is it just me? Why do I seem to thrive on stress? It's like I go looking for it. Really. Life is moving along just fine, and then I get some crazy idea and BAM! Right in the kisser!

For those of you who haven't caught on...with the Facebook updates and Twitter rants about the various anatomical and physiological terms I am trying to stuff into my brain...much like I do on a Friday night trying to stuff myself back into my old jeans.........I am going back to school.

I have officially and certifiably lost my mind. And to prove it, instead of STUDYING, I'm blogging. Oh yeah, I'm the model student. Sigh.

Right now, I am in the last week of a summer online class which is one of three pre-requisites for APPLICATION to nursing school. Anatomy and Physiology I & II, and Microbiology. My hope, is to be accepted into The University of Tennessee Health & Science Masters in Nursing program. A two-year program to earn my masters and be certified as a Clinical Nurse Leader. MSN-CNL program.

That's the plan. I have NO idea how hard it will be to get into the program. But, I've heard it is pretty competitive. And, once I fool them all into letting me in, it will be full-time plus clinical work for two straight years including summers, beginning next June. Or will it? That is the question. Should I apply this year and do school BEFORE Peanut is in school? Or, wait until she starts Kindergarten.

Ugh. The question of the century. On one hand, I don't want to miss her "baby years." Oh my heart. On the other hand, I don't want to be gone when she runs in from her first day at Kindergarten to tell me all she did that day. Ugh. UGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Don't even get me started on the Morgan and Bradyn part of this. Morgan will start college in TWO YEARS! And, sweet little Bradyn will be in highschool!

So, that's what's going on with me right now. I have one week left to this A&P I class, then three weeks off, then another semester of A&P II. Microbiology in the Spring. What to do? What to do?

Thank God for the world-wide-web! Free therapy! Just get a blog. :)

Peace.

A man with a power-tool...

2010-07-27T12:33:00.001-05:00

Nothing is more attractive to me than a man with a power tool. Well, that's not totally true. A man who loves the Lord as much as I do, beats that. And, I've got a man who does both. Luh-kee Kim! And, he's so cute! :) Charlie and I bought that Costco play-set that we've been eyeing all summer. It was an expensive pill to swallow, but, we have come to realize that our little Peanut needs physical entertainment to keep her from the raging meltdowns that have threatened to destroy the very fiber of our being. So, we threw fiscal caution to the wind and borrowed my Daddy and his truck, a week and a half ago.

It was absolutely KILLING me, not to be out there supervising and using the drill, and building it "myself." But, I had to study. SO, Charlie jumped in and took over and he did a FABULOUS job! He was so sweet. He knew my love for using the power-drill. Every time I came out to help, he let me do the "fun stuff", he called it, and I got to drill and drive screws in. Rah! (I'm making a muscle like Ah-nold right now.)

Anna, was SO excited, and VERY helpful. She was right there every minute handing Charlie tools. "Here-go, Dada!" "I help, Dada!" Couldn't be prouder. We tried to entertain her with various movies inside when her little cheeks were getting too red from the heat. But, it didn't last long. She knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and what she would have, when it was done. "MY slide, Mama!"

Saturday, the "slide" was complete, and after nap-time, we let her go! She was like a puppy in new home. She ran around every corner, checked out every play-thing, went up the ladder, down the slide, up the ladder, down the slide, up the... Ok. Sorry. I half-expected her to start sniffing the thing!

She wasn't sure about the "woks", or the "rock wall" for those of you not fluent in Peanut-ese.

But, she tried, at least.

So, good job, Charlie! I'm proud of you. And, I love you for it.

Morning sweetness...

2010-07-22T10:34:00.000-05:00

Charlie interrupted my studying this morning. Anna had guided him to her room and asked to be put in bed. He told me that she had arranged her dolls, gave them their "bobbies" and began to sing "Baby Mine" to them. These are the moments that make the Target melt-downs, and the days you hear, "Mommy! I play - a - poo-poo!" over the monitor - worth it.

Baby mine...

Nana with a camera...

2010-07-20T12:22:00.000-05:00

One of the great things about having a husband who works at home is, that you can schedule appointments around the time the baby naps. "I'm going to the orthodontist, Peanut is asleep, Mom is on call if she wakes up before I get back - if you have a work problem." The other great thing, is to have a Nana that lives exactly 2.2 miles away and can come over real quick-like, if I don't make it back in time.

I try not to misuse this blessing. But, yesterday, I didn't make it back in time, and I came home to find the most beautiful thing. My mom, sitting on the couch with Anna reading. That is definitely a beautiful thing. Can't think of many things better on earth. Except maybe, sitting and chatting with my mom over a cold Coke Zero while Anna runs around and plays. And, that's just what we did yesterday. What a great break from my busy day.

Then, something happened that doesn't happen very much - especially in a photographer's world. Nana grabbed my camera, handed it to me to set it up to auto-everything, and took pictures of ME. I have very few pictures of me, and especially of me and Anna. Mostly, because I'd much rather be on the other side of the camera. Cause you know, if I could just lose that last 15 pounds, THEN you can take my picture! Boy oh boy. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard THAT from a mom of one of my clients. I'm no different.

So, I thought I'd share some pics of me and my littlest angel. Thanks, Mama. I love you!

Growing up...

2010-07-19T10:05:00.001-05:00

I met little Reese last year for his one-year-old photos. Such a doll! This summer, I was lucky enough to capture the two-year-old milestone. What a blessing to enjoy these sweet babies every year. To watch them grow, change, mature - even if in the tiniest ways. Reese is DEFINITELY two, but that doesn't mean terrible. We had a ball (literally) and wore ourselves out chasing the little man with a camera. But, oh what a sweetie. And, man, oh man. I could write an entire blog just about those eyes!

Little Reese...

My big girls...

2010-07-17T13:37:00.003-05:00

My two older girls are growing up too fast. I feel like they are slipping out of my hands. You hear that all the time. "Slipping out of my hands." But, man. Now I really get it.

Today, Morgan toured the campus at Villanova. Philadelphia, people! I cannot drive there! Their dad lives in Philly, and they are there for their summer visit. He set up a tour on the campus for her today. And, while I will be so proud and happy for her to go wherever she chooses, I can't imagine life without my little Moey here. Much less, only seeing her 4-5 times a year! Slow it down, Lord. Please. Two years is all I have with her. During vacation in Maui last month, she mentioned several times about how we will only have another couple of "official" family vacations together. Just boggles my mind.

Bradyn. Well, Bradyn has grown four inches in six months. She is nearly eye-to-eye with me. She's bouncing back and forth between little girl, and young woman. Only, it's more and more on the young woman side these days. So, I've gotten accustomed to Morgan being all grown up, but now Bradyn is betraying me as well! Carrying a purse. Rolling the eyes. Noticing the boys.

Rotten kids. I told them both, very emphatically, that growing up was not allowed in my house. On their birthdays every year I'd tease, "Morgan! Go to time-out! I told you not to grow, and you deliberately disobeyed me! I'm so disappointed in you." At age four, she planted her hands on her hips (much like in the picture above) and said, "Mom! Jesus MADE me do it!" Well, I guess I can't argue with that.

At least Peanut will never grow up. She'll always be my baby, right? Right? Somebody help me out here!

My husband is anti-social...

2010-07-07T11:06:00.000-05:00

I present to you, Exhibit A:

See this hot, hunk of a man? He is frustrating me. He is making me "frustrationed." He refuses to participate in social networking media...aka...FACEBOOK. Grrr.

I understood at first. Back, when Facebook and Twitter were relatively new and had less widespread consumption by the general masses. When it was a teenager's toy, like MySpace. But, now. Now, it is like NOT using the internet because you don't like all that "computer stuff." Like, not watching TV. Like, not using a phonebook to look someone up. Seriously, dude. Get with the program!

The problem is, now, I think he is at the point of NOT doing it just 'cause he said he would never do it. Stubbornness. Hmmm...wonder where Anna gets it?

It was all well and good to let him have his little privacy. And, participate singly. But, now, a LOT of his high-school, college, hometown, and family members are on - and he gets all his info from ME - VIA FACEBOOK! So and so is getting married, so and so had a baby, so and so said "hi!", and so on and so on.

So, I'm asking, nay - BEGGING you. Help me in my campaign to pull Charlie (an IT DUDE!) into the 21st Century! If you know him, have his number, his email address, or whatever...please invite him to join the Facebook revolution with me. If you don't have his contact info, send me a private message, or comment on this blog with your contact info and I'll get you his digits.

Here's hoping he doesn't get mad at me for this blog! :)

Kim

Vacation parenting...

2010-06-28T19:53:00.001-05:00

So, we are in Maui. I am actually blogging from under my beach umbrella right this minute.

So, please forgive any typos I might miss.

We have had a really good time so far. Except for missing my morning and evening Peanut-Mama time, yesterday was darn near the best day ever.

We all got up sooooo early yesterday. Because although it was 5:30 am here, our bodies were telling us it was 10:30 am. And, even I...cant sleep that late anymore. Then, Charlie made a full breakfast, my girls helped clean up after WITHOUT COMPLAINING, Internet! Charlie and Bradyn went on a diving/snorkeling adventure while me and Moey and my mother-in-law went to the spa. Massages for everyone! I told them the only way the day could get better was if Charlie took me out on a date.

The phone ring. It was Charlie, "Hey, what are y'all doing? Do you want to eat dinner in with my mom and then maybe you and I go down to Lahaina and hang out." Morgan replied, "Are you thinking you're talking to mom? Cause, I'd totally want to do that!" "Morgan? Ha! Yes, I thought I was talking to your mom." "Figures...here she is..."

So, yes. Yesterday rocked. And, today ain't too shabby either. Tonight, my ex-husband (thank you, Randy) has us set up with reservations at a sushi restaurant of a friend of theirs here. Sushi, people! Nom-nom-nom... I truly have no wants or needs in my life (except for the medical and spiritual well-being of some dear people in my life...and, maybe a new vacuum cleaner.)

So, I'm on the way to the beach this morning and as the elevator opens on the ground floor, there is Charlie...standing with a woman and her three daughters, "That's my wife!" he says. They are all laden down with groceries. I'm thinking, what the heck? Turns out, they were leaving, and I haven't gotten the full story yet, but they basically SUPREMELY OVER-BOUGHT at Costco and were giving it to us. We hit the mother-load, people. Complete with a boogie board...and a single, chocolate, delectable, frozen tasty treat.

Later, after I get all it put away and finally make it down to the beach. I relay the above story to the girls (including my mother-in-law) and they of course ask what all we got. Da-dum-dum!!!!!!!

I fidget. I try to change the subject. I tell them every single item in the friendly-condo-neighbors' inventory of grocery items donated to the Jay vacation fund....except the chocolate bar...which I KNOW is going to ruin the trip. I mean, I know these two daughters of mine. I squeezed them out personally.

Then, as if the Miss Susan Angel appeared before me, the answer was clear...a contest. Make the lucky consumer win the right to devour that heavenly morsel of frozen chocolate wonderfulness! But, what? What contest will adequately insure their delightfulness for the rest of the trip? The most helpful? The nicest to their sister? The neatest? The sweetest? The most patient?

Bam! I nailed it! The one who demonstrates most of the fruits of the spirit this week gets the prize! And, the conversation that followed leads me to believe I may know who may win.

"Bradyn doesn't even know the fruits of the spirit." Morgan grimaced.

"Yes, I do-ooo!" Bradyn replies in a sing-song voice, "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control!" (I would like to take this moment to personally thank Miss Ari and Mr. Brian from Kidcity right now.)

So, all you parents out there my question for you is this...how many of you specifically reward godly behavior in your kids? I don't do it enough. But, I think we should. In this world of Why? Why? Why? I think we need to make sure that answer is in light of God's reasons and not our own.

We should be loving because He is loving. We should be patient because He is patient. No other earthly reason will truly make your child, or yourself for that matter, think about consequences and what the right thing to do is. If you are a faithful spouse, is it because you're afraid of getting caught? If you work hard at your job, is it for the promotion? Or for God's glory?

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
Colossians 3:16-18

Mahalo!

New blog on the way...

2010-06-24T18:56:00.001-05:00

Well, I've been struggling with the content on my blog for quite some time. Personal? Photography? Both? I get many emails, formspring questions, twitter, facebook, comments from blog readers, you wouldn't believe it...all asking me about my "story." You know, the one where I went through a divorce, amicably, and met Prince Charlie, and am riding off into the sunset happily ever after...ha!

I love to tell the story. LOVE IT! But, not so much because I love bragging about how great my life is now, but how much I want everyone to know how great God is, and how He has brought me through it all. I remember being in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death thinking, Please God, use this crappy time in my life in some way. Don't let me be going through this HELLO! for nothing.

So, I've been thinking of ways I can share all this info in a more organized, accessible way - so that my sisters (and brothers) dealing with what I dealt with will have something to cling to. I started writing an actual book. Yes, crazy, like I have a lot of free time on my hands. I need my head examined. But, it is really just a cathartic time waster, I don't really expect to ever finish it. But, if not a book, what?

Well, the answer is gonna be another blog. But, I need your help. I will be formulating the content, and working on the technical logistics for a few weeks. What I need from you is help in getting the word out to anyone you know who is going through a divorce, has gone through a divorce, is a single parent, has dealt with the pain of living with an addict, etc. Keep an eye on this blog for details coming soon.

The other thing I need from you guys is help with content. Every time I try to start talking about my story, I get so side-tracked or overwhelmed with what to tell you, and what not to tell you, that I stall and break down completely. Here's my answer to that...the blog will be in the form of "Ask Kim..." So, I need questions. Don't be shy! Ask away. If I can, I will answer them all as honestly as possible.

Finally, please know that this is not out of a feeling that I know it all. I do not. I am not a counselor. I am not a trained professional. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am an ex-wife. I can only tell you what worked for me, what I feel God has told me is the right thing to do in each situation, and pray for you.

So, send in your questions to kim@kimjay.com. In a few weeks, I will answer them one-by-one. Pray for those who ask questions, and please pray for me as I try to answer them.

Love-love...

Kim

Taking a little break...

2010-06-08T21:46:00.001-05:00

After days and days of editing day and night, I had to take a break. My eyes were about to fall out of my head. So, I gave Charlie a break (who had been so patiently working the Peanut shift in every one of his free minutes from work) and me and the Nut went "Side!" It is so beautiful lately. Just gorgeous. So, me and my baby girl, and my OTHER baby (my Mark ii), went out"side!". Just a glimpse of the good times...

In the hammock...

Anna had a great day, but...

2010-06-07T13:32:00.001-05:00

Sigh. As many of you have read on Facebook and Twitter, it has been touch-n-go here lately with the Nut and her tantrums. Meaning, there have been days when I felt like running through a plate-glass window on the 100th floor. Seriously.

I could write about this morning's car ride from my sister-in-law's house in East Memphis, all the way to the Wolfchase exit....SCREAMING bloody murder that whole time, or last Sunday at the Lakehouse (and the boat-neighbors who were innocent bystanders and witnesses to the horror that ensued), or the last Thursday note home from school which was accompanied by an impromptu teacher meeting in the hall...

In case you can't read that, it says, "Anna had a great day but she had to go to time out for getting mad and throwing her hairbow at Ms. Kate!" (Exclamation. She used an exclamation!) I love how it starts out, "Anna had a great day..." I can't help but wonder if that could be translated as, "Anna had a great day, but the teachers, however..." They said they had to HOLD her in time out. Yeah, I believe them.

I am just about at my wit's end. I am not even writing this as a funny, ha-ha, I'm a 40 year-old with a toddler, story. I AM AT MY WITS END, people! Tap, tap, tap...is this thing on? And, girls (and guys), we're only a little over a month in...to this two-year-old deal. And, frankly, I have no grand illusions of any kind of three-year-old magic wonderfulness. No, God gave me The Nut. Or as Charlie affectionately refers to her, Nutcase.

Venting on the phone the other day to my sweet friend, she offered this godly insight, "I wonder if God feels the same way about us when we are out of control." Hmmmm. You know, if we didn't have godly friends like Pam in our lives, how would we ever weed through all the wordly crap? Yes. Good point, Pamalama (as I affectionately refer to HER.)

I bet God is just here standing around us as we flail about, putting His big arms out and making sure we don't slam our heads against the proverbial hardwood floors. I bet He is just like, "Ugh! Kim! Get a grip! As soon as you calm down, I will be able to TELL you what will make you happy!" But, no. We want our craziness. We want our pity parties, our fits, our tantrums. It's fun. People give us attention for it. We get the focus. So pathetic we are. But, He loves us anyway. Why? Because He made us. Because we are in His image - just like little Anna looks like me, I look like God. We have found ourselves quite partial to these little beings we pushed out of our misshapen bodies. And, the Lord is quite partial to us.

This morning, I went to change the Nut's diaper. "Come on, Peanut, let's go get that stinky diaper off!" "Okay, mama!" We went to my bedroom and I put the changing mat down on my bed. Anna is on my hip, and as I go to lay her down on the bed, she says, "No. Mama, shhhh." She put her thumb on my lips. I didn't know WHAT she was doing. She closed her eyes, puckered up her lips, held my face in her little hands - that currently smell like mustard after this...

and kissed me so sweetly. Then, she put her face against mine, wrapped her hands around my neck and hugged me for what seemed like five minutes. Kissed me again, and then let me lay her down to change her diaper. I will remember this day for the rest of my life. That was the sweetest, most affectionate show of love I have received...possibly ever.

Oh, Jesus. I want to hold your face in my hands and kiss you and hug you like that! I know one day, I will. But, until then, what shall I ever do? In some ways, when Anna loved on me this morning, it was as if Jesus had directly told her to. Thank you, Anna. Thank you, Jesus. You sure know what a mom needs to get her through. And, I promise, I will put on my big girl pants and tone down the tantrums.

New editions...

2010-06-03T17:15:00.002-05:00

What an amazing family! Our session was in honor of the newest member to the Andrus family - Jennifer! What a great reason to update the family portraits. This was the most enjoyable session! And, every single one of them? PHOTO - GENIC! What a joy and honor to meet them.

Enjoy...

Zoe, Zoe, ten days old...

2010-06-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

Could hardly believe this beautiful sweet babe was only 10 days old! How alert! How happy to be awake! Ha, ha! She is an absolute doll and I was so happy to meet her!

Introducing, Zoe...

I wonder...

2010-05-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

Every time I see sweet little Titus, I wonder. Those precious little eyes, that soft, auburn-ish bald head...I wonder. IF God had given ME a boy...would he look like sweet little Titus? Well, if He did - I wouldn't have been any happier. And, neither are his sweet parents, and grandparents! Enjoy, little Titus...

Boop, boop diddum daddum waddum chew!

2010-05-24T19:08:00.002-05:00

"Hello. My name is Kim Jay, and I am a sushi-a-holic."

(all-together) "Hi, Kim."

"It has been 23 hours since I last ate raw fish."

Okay. So WHAT is the deal? What the HECK do they put in this stuff that makes it soooooo addicting? I'm not even kidding. I have come to the point in my life where I realize I have a problem. A real, serious, problem.

Let's go back in time, first, shall we? Five years ago, not only would I not eat sushi, I would not eat fish of any kind. I think it all started when I was about 17, and we went on a family vacation to Panama City, Florida. On that trip, we went deep-sea fishing. On that trip, it rained. It was pretty rocky out there. On that trip, a man stood at the front of the boat and puked his guts up the entire time. On that trip, the smell of the squid we were using at bait, combined itself in my memory with the smell of that dude's tossed cookies. And, on that trip, I was turned off fish and it's smell of any kind for the next 20 years of my life. A tragedy. A moment of silence, please. (Oh, and by the way...on that trip, I caught the biggest fish and won the $64 pot!)

So, flash-forward to 2007. I'm pregnant. No fish for me, and that's just fine and dandy. Or was it? You see, Charlie got my girls hooked on the stuff, and guess where everyone wanted to go as a special meal out? Sushi. But, I could not partake, so I just sat and watch them in utter delight and wonderment of the meal they were enjoying. Suddenly, my little teriyaki chicken wasn't looking so hot. I wanted that fish. I had tasted it on our honeymoon in Maui as sashimi, and it wasn't bad at all. No fish taste! But, now I was pregnant and was forbidden the roll! They ate it on birthdays, they ate it in the Bahamas on vacation, they ate it on Saturdays, they ate, they ate, they ate...

SO, we get to Memphis a year later, Peanut is 8 weeks old and my dear friend, who will get my entire estate when I die because of this, told me about Osaka. And, once at Osaka - there was - THE CORDOVA ROLL. It has been downhill/uphill since (depending on whether your name is Charlie/Kim.) Why? Cause the stuff ain't cheap! I find myself scraping my pennies, downloading coupons, memorizing the lunch specials, and paying cash so Charlie doesn't know...that I've had the fish. I've even begged and pleaded on Facebook for someone, ANYONE...TAKE ME OUT FOR SUSHI!

So, I'm scarfing it down in my car in a parking lot, and Charlie calls:

"Whatcha doin?"

"Just grabbing a bite to eat while I'm out."

"YOU'RE EATING SUSHI AREN'T YOU?!?!?!?!?"

"Maybe?" (And, I even give him the cute little puppy dog face over the phone - which he totally sees in my voice - because, you know, we're married and have those super-powers now.)

"You're not right! You wouldn't even eat FISH when I met you! I'm scared to look at the AMEX bill. You've GOT to stop."

This, I know. I do have a problem. So, do YOU have a sushi problem? Anyone else out there? Am I alone in this? Here are some of the signs:

You're hoarding cash so that you can eat sushi without your husband knowing.
The people at Osaka know your name, and your mom's name, and your friends' names, and your brothers' names, and your kids' names, but not-so-much your husband's.
You equate large sums of cash to how much sushi that could buy.
Your daughters are now on their own for college tuition.
Your 2 year old can properly use chop-sticks.
You have chopsticks in your glove-compartment.
You have chopsticks in your purse.
You have chopsticks in your closet.
You have voicemail from friends telling you where they saw coupons for Osaka - and you DARE NOT delete them!
Your friends are trying to find you and drop by Osaka just in case...
Your mother (aka ENABLER) calls and says, "Did I hear you say you wanted to eat sushi today?"

So, I did come to the realization that I had a problem and needed to hold up to my part of the family cut-backs and put down the sticks. I told Charlie THREE WEEKS AGO, that the next time I ate sushi, it would be HIS idea. Well, that day came. And, it was last night. And, it was good. (Wait. Hold that thought a moment. Mmmmmm.) But, now? I want more. So, I'm writing about it instead. And, dang, those little fishies are just gonna have to keep on swimming - but not forever.

Two.

2010-05-23T14:54:00.004-05:00

My sweet little Peanut. She, is two. She is SO two, that her birthday was May 1st ("Mayday, mayday, can you hear me?") and I am JUST NOW blogging her birthday. She's a keepin' me busy!

So much. Here goes...

Saturday, her actual birth day was pretty uneventful. She really doesn't even understand "birthday" except that "birthday cake" is involved. THAT, she gets. I guess all the birthdays in her class at school this year prepared her for the magic of flour and sugar and eggs and BUTTERCREAM ICING. Her other favorite, "Cock-oh-whoa." Or, chocolate milk. So, Saturday, she's thinking, isn't anything special because...no cake.

birthday = cake + cock-oh-whoa

Since we have not had her dedicated at church yet, we thought it would be good to go ahead and do it on the birthday party day so our friends and family could kill two birds with one stone. May 2, the dedication...at our wonderful new church that we LOVE. And, they love us. Which made the day...beautiful.

It started out okay. The novelty of Nana and Pa, and Memaw (her GREAT-grandmother), and Matt and Amy, and Wendy and AnnaGrace and her family - at Peanut's church was fun for her. (I just adore this picture. It's not technically very good, but look at the way my daddy is looking at her. LOVE)

Then, she started getting antsy during the announcements. I'm thinking, Oh boy. We better get this show on the road before it all comes to a head. They call us up, announce our new membership, and begin on the important task of dedicating our sweet little Anna Katelyn to the Lord.

Well, it is truly as if she woke up that day, said to herself, "Wait. I'm two now. Yeah! Let's turn this mother out!" And, in typical Roaten-Jay overachieving fashion...she was TWO. Terrible. Terrible. Two. She's gonna do "TWO" like no other kids has EVER done two! Words can't do justice, and I'll spare all the mundane antics of just trying to get her OUT OF THE HOUSE that morning.

So, then, the service. Notice the look on our dear friend and elder's face (the red-head) at one point. She had run around the podium several dozen times, peeked through Charlie's legs continuously. Jumped off the step, got back on the step, jumped off the step, got back on the step... All, while our dear new pastor was asking us though oh, so important questions. "Will you promise to raise Anna up to be a godly woman, and to love Jesus, and to..." Then, the prayer with the anointing of oil. She looked at those elders and her face said, "Oh no your NOT gonna put your hands on me! And, whatever you have in that bottle, you can KEEP TO YOURSELF!"

So, it all turned out okay when he brought out the little Bible with her name on it. "Okay, presents? Well, NOW we're talking! I can hold still for that!"

So, she has been dedicated to Christ. Just as my older two girls, and generations and generations before. The whole time, I was praying to myself, "Lord, let it TAKE." Ha, ha! Because, above all else I want for my children, it is for them to know the Lord. It is THE most important thing ever. They will grow up, make mistakes, make bad boy choices, try things they shouldn't, maybe NEVER learn to keep their rooms clean, and will fall away from Christ many times. My only prayer in life...is that they always go back to Him.

The biggest blessing of the day. Glenn, another new member (so, I don't know him very well at all), came to me and told me, that he really felt he needed to tell me this. That God was impressing on his heart, that Anna would grow to be a fine, godly woman one day. That she would really come to love the Lord one day so much. That it was a very strong feeling he felt was from the Lord.

Wow.

My heart. I told him that he couldn't know how much that meant to me, and that I was going to write that in her little pink Bible they had given her. So, maybe. Just maybe. God will make the promise complete.

And, so the tantrums have revved up. Majorly. I am having to physically force her to sit in her time-out chair for the entire two minutes. Even, as she is clawing and hitting and screaming. And, as I hold her there, calmly waiting for her to settle down for the time-out-post-mortem-talk ("Now, one day you will be able to control yourself and be a big girl. But, until then, mama has to HELP you control yourself") I pray. I pray for God to give me glimpses of that godly woman to be.

I love you, Anna Jay. You are the light of your daddy's and my eyes. And, you are the light of Jesus' eyes, too. Let em' shine, girl!

3,000 calories...

2010-05-11T19:39:00.000-05:00

I've known Daina for, hmmm....let's see....what is it? 10 years? Well, if you go back to the year she and my brother were in Mrs. Wojcik's Kindergarten class at Altruria, it would be about 28 years! Her beautiful daughter Madeleine and my daughter Morgan went to the same elementary school as we did, and had the same teacher together - Mrs. Wojcik! So, yeah, we tight. Ha!

AND, both of us having 16 year-olds to contend with, well, both of us were out of our minds at about the same time and decided to have babies again. We caught up with each other at high school registration last year and we both just laughed at each other and our little diaper-bag-toting selves! Although, I'm sure she occasionally joins me in the What was I thinking? moments, we also get to enjoy this fun two-year-old time.

Jackson was a hoot! And, he was FAST! We did a lot of aerobics chasing him and trying to entertain him long enough for an in-focus shot. At one point, I even bribed him by promising to carry him to the top of the fire-escape. During which time, his mother, who was holding my camera for me, thought it would be funny to snap a shot:

Yes, I'm sure I burned 3,000 calories on that photo shoot! But, we sure had fun! Enjoy, Madeleine and Jackson...

Self-portrait...

2010-05-03T17:23:00.000-05:00

Been soooo busy working on Peanut's birthday, a couple of other sessions, and just everyday stuff. Will be posting pics from the Anna-Dedication-Extravaganza-Bonanza soon. As well as a video that is.....well, Peanut.

But, today I was working on sweet little Elly's session, and wow. That girl's eyes. Gorgeous. So big, so clear and beautiful, well...I could see myself in them. Made me think (and I've talked about this before), can God see Himself in MY eyes? I'm going to open them up big and keep them as clear as I can, so maybe, just maybe, He can.

Today, my self-portrait. Can you see me? Love to you all.

Getting all the one-year-old sugar I can today...

2010-04-30T18:39:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow, the Peanut...she will be two. This hurts my feelings. Two years? Seriously? If you had told me two years ago how much I would love this little Nut, I never could have completely believed you. She completes the circle of love in our home. And, she more than holds up to her fair share of craziness here as well!

I found this video taken by Bradyn on the day of her birth, two years ago tomorrow. Enjoy...

Baby-licious!

2010-04-27T19:07:00.000-05:00

Just absolutely LOVE this sweet little baby girl. I could just kiss those sweet cheeks all day! Elly is a blessing for her parents, good friends of ours who are waiting patiently for little Elly's finalization into the wonderful godly home God has blessed her with. Enjoy little Elly...

Just another whiny blogpost about my body image...

2010-04-13T14:10:00.001-05:00

Announced yet again today in Twitterville, that today is Day One on Weight-Watchers. A brilliant photographer friend of mine (whom I will not name - because it was a private, DM message in Twitter) offered this suggestion:

kim - here's my ww secret. book a boudoir shoot w/someone. pay for it. 3 months out... and you'll have a deadline. terrifying - totally works!

Now, THAT would be a diet plan! Only, I'd rather be dangled butt-naked over a pit of angry rats, than get a boudoir session. Oh my gosh. Not sure it would have the same effect if I posed for my sexy shots in my Eddie Bauer sweatshirt and my oversized sweatpants. Not to mention the sexy house shoes I'd refuse to take off because of those ugly feet!

So, we chatted a bit. I told her I used to plan tropical, bikini wearing, vacations to get my gumption going. Didn't work for Aruba. Instead, I chose to sit in the retirement-aged section of the beach, instead of in the middle of the Spring-breakers. And, whooo-boy! Those cute old dudes thought I was the hottest thing going! Sigh.

I admitted to her and now to you, I think my issues are with God on this one. It all boils down to expectations and entitlement. There are so many expectations placed on women's shoulders, that I feel like I should be entitled to CATCH A BREAK. That break for me, would be to feel okay with my body.

We are expected to:

Keep up a household (what's for dinner? did you deposit the check? did the drycleaning get picked up? this place is a wreck!)
Raise decent, God-fearing, honest, productive children (cause we all know where the finger points if one of them pops up a serial killer!)
Help with the bottom line (colleges, colleges, colleges...all coming soon)
AND, stay fit and sexy (I cannot tell you how many times a guy has said something to me like, "He cheated, but his wife let herself go," or "He cheated on YOU? But, you are so pretty?" or just a few pounds and you'd be perfect!" - NONE of these, by the way, have been spoken by my dear, sweet, Dancin' Jimmy)
Then, don't even get me started on that dang Proverbs 31 chick:

¹⁰ A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Whew! I just want to strangle the crazy, overachieving, bee-yatch... Oops. Repent, Kim, repent! Oh dear, now I'm just waiting for my phone to ring. "Sorry mom."

Anyway. I just really feel like we have soooo much on us. Why do we all have to get fat so easy? And, then why do we care? I feel like every time I diet I am doing it for somebody else. Cause, let's be honest girls. Who of us would try to stay fit if there weren't a man involved? We all know we'd be sitting on the couch eating cookie dough with a spoon every night.

Okay. Lots of repenting to do now. Better go get on my knees and plead for forgiveness. While I'm there, I'm going to ask His help. I'm going to ask Him to help me make peace with my lot in life. I'm a woman. He will probably point out, that the good old Proverbs31 lady? She was pretty because of her character. "Beauty is fleeting." I wonder if she did all that other stuff, though, because she felt lacking in beauty? Don't WE all do that? Lots to talk about with the Man Upstairs. Love you all - and if it counts for anything today...I think you are beautiful. Every one of you.

Kim

Mourning the loss of the child...

2010-04-09T09:42:00.005-05:00

A few weeks ago, my daughter and I took the long-awaited trip to New York City for her Sweet Sixteenth Birthday. We have been planning this for years and years and years. She even turned down a Christmas jaunt up to the big ol' apple with her dad one year because she wanted to wait until our trip!

My little girl. My little girl has grown into a young woman. The whole time, I was literally choking back tears. I just kept remembering the sweet little girl who was always smiling, always singing, always figuring things out - out loud. So smart. So beautiful. The way she would snuggle up to my neck and say she was just like "Simba" from her favorite movie, The Lion King. The way she would crawl into bed with me and snuggle up to my face. If I rolled over, she would methodically gather her blanket, her doll, and her "plug", climb over me, and position herself nose-to-nose with me again. I remember her wonderful smell - wanting to breathe her in completely. She was my little buddy. Her, and her 10 imaginary friends. Together, we did everything!

Yes, this past month, I have been mourning the loss of the child. While I am so amazed and proud and excited to see my Sweet Little Moey-Pamoey growing into a wonderful young woman, I am also mourning the little girl who once said, "You could NEVER embarrass ME, mom!" The little girl with whom I played American Girl, endlessly. The little girl who snuggled on the couch and watched Little Bear with me. I realized, that the little girl is gone.

I used to always kind of roll my eyes and smirk to myself every time one of my parents heard that song from Fiddler on the Roof:

Is this the little girl I carried?

Is this the little boy at play?

I don't remember growing older

When did they?

When did she get to be a beauty?

When did he grow to be so tall?

Wasn't it yesterday

When they were small?

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers

Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

Why on earth must they continue to cry every time they hear this song, I would wonder. I wonder no more. I'm wiping the tears right now.

But, the new young woman in my life now is more than wonderful enough to make up for the loss of the child. She is brilliant...way smarter than her parents. And, godly. I receive text messages every day with a scripture verse from her. No, she's not perfect, ha! Who is? I know I certainly owe my mom an apology, or two, or four hundred, for the way I behaved at that age. But, she is still my Moey-Pamoey. And, I'm so proud of her. And, I'm looking forward to the fun to come.

Happy Birthday, Moey - er, Morgan. I love you!

Sweet, sweet, SWEET!

2010-04-08T14:09:00.001-05:00

Despite the fact that I continually made these sweet baby girls CRY:

These sweet sisters were just precious! Enjoy...

One of my besties and her beautiful baby...

2010-04-07T17:35:00.000-05:00

Angela is one of my bestest girlfriends in the whole wide world...and she's kind of my cousin. Sort of. We're never really sure the exact relation - but we just tell everyone we're cousins anyway. :) I'll claim her! Here are pics of her and her beautiful daughter, Pamela. I have to also add...they look more like SISTERS! Angela, I officially hate you. J/K

"Eeee-yoouuuuu!"

2010-04-04T22:07:00.001-05:00

She came up behind me, hugged my legs and said, "Eeee-yoouuuuu!" My heart melted. My eyes welled up with tears. I picked her up and swung her around and said, "I LOVE YOU, TOO!" Kissing her all over her sweet little face. Yes. This is why we have children. This is worth the temper-tantrums. This is worth the sleep-less nights and the nasty diapers and the embarrassment when they publicly announce their impending bodily function of the moment. I love you. It is all we need. No, strike that. We don't need it. We want it. Having someone tell us they love us is not in the food-clothing-shelter department. But, we do want it so badly that it feels like a need at times.

Today...today it struck me that it is this very reason that any of us are even here. God wants us. He doesn't need us. What good are we to Him? We're like little peons down here dorking up the place. He created us solely for His pleasure...the pleasure of being loved. And, He knew that it had to be our choice for it to be real.

For months we have been teaching Anna all kinds of words, phrases, and concepts. We've taught her the proper responses:

"What do you say?"

"Pease!!!!!!!!!!"

"Here ya go...what do you say?"

"Tank- ewww!"

"I love you!"

"Eeee-yoouuuuu!"

But, when she came to me, when she told me first, "Eeee-yoouuuuu!" she was telling me it was real. I didn't make her. She wasn't offered a treat for doing so, although I'm sure she knew her love for me would be returned.

God created us to love Him, but loved us so much, that He wanted our love to be born out of free choice. Thus, the opportunity for rejection. Thus, the opportunity for messing up. Thus, sin. And because we are human, because we are not holy, we do in fact, sin. We screw up. And, we screw up bad. So bad, that our badness can't even be near His goodness. It just can't happen. His wonderfulness cannot even be grasped by us fully. Never will. I think, even when we get to Heaven, we still won't even know the half of it. Imagine the warmest, fullest, your heart has ever been - magnify that times a million and we still have no idea "How great is the love the Father has lavished on US!" (1 John 3:1)

So, He gave us free will and we failed...we failed majorly. But, He still loves us soooo much. In the Old Testament, He gave us atonement through sacrifice. We kind of got the hang of it, all those rules and crazy laws that maybe, just maybe would clean us off good enough to be in His presence one day. But, our hearts lost sight of the One who wanted us. So, He made the ultimate sacrifice so that ALL of us may come. Whosoever will.

Jesus.

I love Jesus with all of my heart. I know Him. I have seen His works. I have experienced His amazing forgiveness. I have lived on His love. He is it. The ONLY way. Yes. I know to some, that makes me narrow-minded. That's because the Way is narrow (Luke 13):

²²Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as he made his way to Jerusalem. ²³Someone asked him, "Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?" He said to them, ²⁴"Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. ²⁵Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, 'Sir, open the door for us.'
"But he will answer, 'I don't know you or where you come from.'
²⁶"Then you will say, 'We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.'
²⁷"But he will reply, 'I don't know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!'
²⁸"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. ²⁹People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God. ³⁰Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last."

You do not have to buy into this love. You don't have to take it. Because, you see, God loves you so much - that He is not going to make you love Him. He wants you to want Him. And, trust me, He is worth it. Jesus came to earth, gave us the plan, and then executed it...endured the savage wrath of satan's desire to thwart that plan. He was sacrificed for us, just like the lambs and goats and doves and other animals of the Old Testament...only He is the Son...of...God! Hallelujah! The perfect sacrifice that was more than enough to take care of the entire debt of the entire human race. We only have to believe, accept, and love Him back.

He conquered death! He was killed. Mutilated. Beaten. And, buried. And, while the world celebrated Passover, He paid the price for our sins. Yours. Yes. You know that thing in your heart you just can't get over? It's done. It's gone. Give it to Him. Because on the third day? He rose! He got up from that evil death and rose from that grave and ran to us! And, He is there waiting for us to run to Him everyday. To take that thing in your heart and clean you off and make you completely new again. As if it never happened. He will make you whole. God is the Only One who can. He loves you. Once you know Him, once you accept Him and become a believer...you will truly understand how His love is not like any of our relationships here on earth. His love is perfect.

I love you very much. I love you so much, that I wanted to tell you these things. I want you to know the amazing love that I know. And, if you want to know more, ask me. I am always ready to tell anyone where my hope and joy come from...

Jesus. And, HE IS RISEN! Happy Easter!

I'm pregnant!!!

2010-04-01T12:15:00.001-05:00

April Fool's!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every year for several years, I would call my brother Jared and tell him the wonderful news! Every year on the same day. Every year. And, every year, he bought it hook-line-and-sinker. (Despite the well-known fact that my then husband had undergone a vasectomy.) Took him hours to get that lure out of his lip! "April Fool's, Jared!" He would be all mad, and he would be all I'm-going-to-get-you-back, and he never would. Because, well, I'm the best. The best! Oh, how I enjoyed it! LOVE me some April Fool's Day!

me and my brothers - Matt (L) and Jared (R)

Today, being completely over the same ol' "I'm pregnant!" schtick, I was driving along the Germantown Audobon scratching my head and trying to think of how to get Charlie. After I realized it was my hat making my head itch, I got it! I knew what I was going to do!

"Hello?"

"Charlie! I think I need to go to the emergency room." (me - in a faint-scratchy voice)

"What? Why? Are you okay?"

"I swallowed my lower braces and they're stuck in my throat. It's really starting to hurt."

"Oh my gosh! Then, go! GO!!!"

"April Fool's!"

(silence)

He finally started laughing, and letting me enjoy the joke. But, he just had to add the fact that part of the joke was on me. That, I am about the only person dumb enough to actually swallow their braces! And, you know what?

I've give him that. :)

Happy April Fool's Day!

The third kid...

2010-03-31T17:02:00.000-05:00

My OCD tendencies are better. At one point, it was so bad, I would do just about anything to keep my kids from eating anything messy indoors. Then, when they did - I was right there waiting with a paper towel and the 409. I am MUCH better, now. But, still I feel that twinge of "Ack!" Today, the brownie won. And, I got the bonus of a cute photo-op...

He ain't heavy, he's my brother!

2010-03-29T21:42:00.000-05:00

These two sisters were gorgeous last summer when I first had a chance to work with them. The PERFECT little models, always "on spot" every time. So, SO, sweet! And, now, little brother is right in the mix and is keeping up with big sisters' cuteness! Enjoy Olivia, Ella Grace, and Weston...

I wanted that pot...

2010-03-25T00:26:00.003-05:00

September, 2003. My grandmother died. Ruth Thompson Rhodes Burt Jerkins. Grandmama - Granna - Mama - Ruth.

I really, really miss her on two occasions...Easter, and when I make her pot-roast. Last week, I pulled out her old crock-pot (circa 1967) and the recipe she gave me over the phone when I was first married back in 1991. Combine that with the warm weather - that makes me want to plant stuff (like Grandmama) - and, you get, me - all vehclemnt.

I remember the day the family all met at Papa Tang and Grandmama's house on Crafton to clean it out and get it ready to sell. So incredibly sad. It really was nearly as bad as losing them. That tiny little house (probably 1,100 sq. feet) held at the very least, 8-10 adults, and 12 grandchildren who were all very young - every holiday for dinner. We were crammed in there like Miss Piggy's feet in stilettos. But, it was the best. We always looked forward to Christmas Eve night, Easter Sunday after church, and Thanksgiving at noon (or 1:00 if you're a Barcafer.) :)

This day, we looked over letters, magazines, furniture, magazines, knick-knacks, magazines, costume jewelry, magazines, clothes, etc... None of us wanted to be presumptuous enough to ask for anything. She raised her girls right! All very (at least that I know of) conscientious of their sisters' feelings. But, when I was asked what I might want, I knew what it was I wanted...

I wanted that pot! That crock-pot was the HOLY GRAIL OF CROCK-POTS. I'm not even messing around here. Listen to me people, you cannot know the joy that comes out of this wonderful ceramic, electrified, pot! Pork roasts, pot-roasts, to kill people over. Seriously, I think it came to that one time. Really. You don't believe me? Well, okay, maybe not. But, man.

One day while I was in college, I called Grandmama and Papa Tang to check in...

"Hello, Papa! Whatcha doin'?"

"Pressin'"

"You're pressing?"

"Pressin' my butt-cheeks to this chair!"

"Oh, Papa!"

"Oh, Papa!" (he raised his voice and mimicked me)

"What's Grandmama doing?"

"She's about to put a pot-roast on the table."

"I'll be there in 15 minutes - wait for me!"

(Chuckle) "We'll do - Lil' Sug."

I remember that day like it was yesterday, and oh how I wish it were yesterday. I miss them so incredibly much. So, so, much. They were the warmest, friendliest, most nonjudgemental, God-loving people on the planet. And, they loved me. Boy, did they love me! They called me "Lil' Sug" for goodness sakes! At all times. The only time I heard either of them refer to me by my real name was when Papa Tang would sing "Kimberley" to the tune of "Tenderly." Or, when he would say, "Kimberley...Denise...ROTTEN!"

That day, as we sat there, me completely devouring ever drip of gravy, every tender, juicy bite of roast, the carrots that were so good they were like dessert (man...Pavlov's dog going on here), I told Grandmama...

"Grandmama, if I'm ever on death row, and they ask me what I want as my last meal, I'm going to tell them - MY grandmother's pot-roast!"

Without batting an eye, not even asking WHY I was on death-row, she paused and said, "I'd make it for you........and, I'd take my time!"

Then, she winked at me.

I love my Grandmama and Papa Tang. My heart hurts right now, that Peanut will never know them on earth. And, Charlie. Boy, would she have LOVED Charlie! I physically yearn for them. In fact, I got one of his flannel shirts that day, and I may just wear it to bed tonight. I didn't want to be presumptuous, but...

Yeah...I got that POT!!!

It's raining men...

2010-03-17T01:23:00.000-05:00

This little man was no little boy - at least he doesn't think so! We couldn't mention the word "cute". Everything had to be "cool"! And, rain didn't keep us from having fun in downtown Memphis. It stayed away - thank goodness! What a good time we had with this little, ahem, BIG boy! Enjoy...

If God gave ME a little boy...

2010-03-16T18:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sure he would look something like this...he is precious!

She ain't heavy, she's my sister...

2010-03-16T16:58:00.000-05:00

B-E-A-YOU-tiful girls! I got to meet Nat and Whit last Monday and what a great time we had! They were both so incredibly beautiful and photogenic, I could have just shot them all night! Thank you mom, for sharing your daughters with me! Enjoy...

I want to sit at the big table...

2010-03-10T20:16:00.000-06:00

Remember when you were little, at Christmas, when it was time to eat that amazing meal you looked forward to all year long? Ham, potato salad, green beans, baked beans, deviled eggs (or stuffed eggs if you're in my family - we don't like giving the devil credit for things that good!), rolls.... Man, I'm going to go have to go get a snack after just writing this! Remember how all the adults got to sit at the "big table" while all the grandkids were stuck in the den on a rackety old card table? On lawn chairs (that didn't sit high enough to even see your food), with a harsh warning NOT to get any on the carpet?

I remember it. I remember the first year I was married. I thought that surely enduring all those nuptials would earn me a spot. And, graciously, my good ol' Aunt Dixie and Uncle Glenn gave up their spots, just to make me feel all special. What an accomplishment. What grown-up-ness! I was at the big table! Today it was clear that Anna appreciates this feeling as well. I caught her at the dinner table, having moved all of her accouterments from her high chair right to her Daddy's spot. So proud. She's growing up.

Makes me wonder. At God's dinner table, where would He have me sit? I mean, I know I'm not exactly a baby Christian, but am I there yet? Would I be invited to sit with Him at the "big table"? The mere fact that I have no idea right now in my heart is suggesting maybe, I need to grow up a bit more. Or, I guess if I thought I was a shoe-in for adult Heavenly dining - wouldn't that suggest that maybe I didn't get it? What would happen if I just tried to sneak in? What would God say when I got caught? Would He be as affected by my cuteness as I was of Anna's - and just let it slide?

I don't know.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

(1 Corinthians 13:11)

Kinda makes me think I'd get booted. This Spring...I want to GROW!

Peace.

kj

Precious little angel #3...

2010-03-05T10:43:00.001-06:00

How on earth we were lucky enough to be 3-for-3 on precious baby girls, I'll never know. But, we sure racked-up with our three daughters. And, our Little Peanut, although quite a mess at times, can be so incredibly sweet. Aren't we all that way? (I wonder if God says that about us to His angels, "That Kim Jay, she's a MESS! But, ain't she sweet?")

Yesterday, I was blessed with a willing participant. I think she is starting to get old enough to figure out what I do. Having "helped" me with a couple of baby-photosessions recently, I think she was wanting to play photoshoot with mommy!

Anna Katelyn Jay...

Full circle...

2010-03-04T15:58:00.001-06:00

Before we went on vacation last week, I had the privilege (again) to photograph a sweet, SWEET, baby boy named Rocco. I met Rocco's big brother, Luca, last summer, as well as his mama, Kim (who was pregnant with little Rocco), and his grandmother, Sue. Such a wonderful family. And, boy can they make some beautiful children! Sue and I have already decided to draw up papers for an arranged marriage between Luca and Anna. I'll have me a bunch of sweet little blonde-haired, blue-eyed babies.

This past session with Rocco, was a JOY. He couldn't have been any more perfect or in a better mood. The little boy made my ovaries twinge. I told Charlie as Sue was leaving with her grandson, "I want a BOY, Charlie!" (Of course, we have taken care of things for just such moments of insanity. So, no boys for me.) We stood and chatted a little as Sue was leaving about how she knew my parents from long ago in the days of Leawood Baptist Church. My grandmother is still a member.

Sue brought me this amazing picture, look how gorgeous! My dad took it sometime in the 1960s. The neatest thing, on the back, was his rubber stamped name. The address was my grandparents' as well as that phone number I will never forget. I used to call it up and hear, "This is Hillie, who is this?" My granddaddy was a riot...remember no caller ID back then!

I get a lot of people who ask me how I got into photography. My answer is that my dad was a photographer in college, and worked for one of the best photographers in Memphis. That he taught me early how to calculate equivalent values and what shutter speed to use. And, he certainly, above all else - taught me to cherish this amazing tool we have to freeze time. Our lives are so wonderful, we don't want to miss or forget a thing. The camera has always been a part of our family. Part of life. We just learned to smile and not fight it. Well, except for maybe when he brought a camera to FRED'S DOLLAR STORE to document my very first job. Oh, the horrors to a 16 year old! (But, honestly, I'm already planning my stealth photography mission - as soon as Morgan gets her first gig!)

How neat it is, that I am now photographing Sue's grandchildren. Daddy, we have come full circle. Enjoy, little Rocco...

Anna helps her Mama...

2010-02-18T11:39:00.000-06:00

My mom has a Vacation Bible School booklet framed, open to a story entitled, "Kim helps her Mama." It is still prominently displayed in her kitchen, here 35 years later. I loved helping when I was little. I loved tagging along with my dad at work. I prided myself on knowing just when he would need a phillips-head screwdriver, and when he would need a flat-head. I used to love cleaning the house for my mom, to surprise her when she came home from work. I actually remember the joy of seeing her face as she came in the door. I am a freak of nature. I know this.

Of all of the three of my girls, I think Anna may have this trait of mine. Now, mind you, this highly motivated, helpful spirit is, in our case, also accompanied by an overpowering need to do everything "MY SELF!" So, it's not always a cakewalk living with us. Anna LOVES to help. She loves to help unload the dishwasher, she loves to help pull the laundry out, and one day...I actually watched her from another room, pick up my plate off the couch and take it to the kitchen, unaware that I was watching. Ahhh....the pride.

HOWEVER, sometimes, it is hard to work when she is around. Take yesterday for example...I THOUGHT I could get away with doing a session at home with Anna here. Nope. She was all over helping me with that baby! At one point, I had arranged a table exactly how I wanted it with blankets and backdrop ready. I turned around to help mom get her dressed, turned around to put the baby on my set. Anna had obviously decided my set needed a little extra something and had piled on two more blankets!

Here are some outtakes from yesterday's adventure! Enjoy...

She thought the blue blanket would look good with her eyes.

Peek-a-boo!

Gotta make sure it is straight.

Patting her back when she sneezed.

A little too close to the action.

"Ahhh, da bay-bee!!!!"

If it weren't 800+ miles....

2010-02-16T13:12:00.001-06:00

Thursday, February 16^th, 2006

Alone in my upstairs “apartment” that mom and dad so graciously gave up for the girls and me. I made it through my first Valentine’s Day as a single woman (first in 14 years of marriage) without too much drama. But, I worked, I had to go downtown to appear in court for a speeding ticket, I hung out with the girls, I kept busy. Here it was two days later, off work for the day, alone in my parents’ house, girls at school…bored. The reality of my first Valentine’s Day alone – hit.

My divorce had been final for a month and twelve days. Single. I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted a fresh, interested ear.

I Googled.

My little laptop had been my new best friend. Way before Facebook was on my radar. It had been the portal to the world that helped me escape, helped me find a good job, helped me cope. This day, that little laptop became an instrument of divine intervention for me. I wanted to talk to someone, but I wasn’t gonna be caught dead in one of those icky chat rooms! I Googled “Christian chat.”

What I got: www.christianmingle.com

A Christian dating site. Well, alrighty then. I wasn’t about to go online and meet a man that way. I mean, that had been the catalyst for the destruction of my marriage. Heck if that was going to be how I met someone! But, as I read through the info, it presented itself as a social media outlet, as well as a dating site. On the home page, a special. Free seven-day trial membership for women. What did I have to lose?

I filled out the forms, uploaded a pic, took the personality quiz. What else did I have to do? Where else did I have to be? I was online for only a few minutes, drilling down through menus, looking through the cast of “Christian” characters who were available in the Memphis Area. Frankly, a very narrow search. Most of them looked like serial killers, or just really lonely divorcees. And, somewhere around 10 minutes in…an email.

Subject: If it weren’t 800+ miles….

An email from Charlie. My first and last contact with a man on Christian Mingle. I read through his email, chuckling at his comments about my profile (I mentioned something about “soaking it up in a hot-tub with my soul-mate” – a Napoleon Dynamite reference), and also heartened that what I found important, was what led him to email me. I put it very plainly in my profile…that I had two daughters, and that “if you were lucky, and if we happen to be dating for more than six months, you MIGHT get to meet them.” I had watched too many times, children in this situation, having been introduced to a parade of “dates” go in and out of their lives. I was not about to do that to my sweet little Moey and Brady-Lady.

This impressed him. He began his email with, “Just an innocent hello from a guy too far away.” I couldn’t click on his profile button fast enough. So afraid of what I would find, so afraid he would be 60 years old with an overgrown mustache. But, whoa. That is SO not what I found. My heart went into immediate tachycardia. Thought it would beat out of my chest. Why is this dude emailing ME? Something MUST be wrong with him.

Three days later, after HOURS of instant messaging, I finally gave in and gave him my cell phone number. I thought I had lost my mind. Boy, I thought, I sure hope this guy isn’t a serial killer. We were snowed in that weekend, my girls were with their dad, my grandmother was staying with my parents, and Charlie and I talked on the phone the WHOLE day that Saturday….like, seriously, TEN HOURS.

Afraid of what my parents and grandmother might think, I lied. I lied and told them I met him at the bank. That he was out of town and was a customer. I had to tell them something. They could tell something was up. I prepared myself for the “be careful, Kim” or the “isn’t it kinda soon?” or the “Virginia?!?!?!” Instead? Instead, I slowly opened my laptop up, said a prayer under my breath, and shared with my mom and grandmother his picture and profile.

Silence. Then, my mother, “Virginia is a beautiful state.”

It sounds absolutely crazy. And, looking back, it was. But, I actually had the nerve to tell my mom THAT day (three days after meeting him!), “I know you’re going to think I’m nuts, but, I have a feeling way down in my gut…I’m going to marry this guy. And, I don’t know a THING about him!” Instead of smacking me back into reality, she just replied, “Wow, Kim. That’s huge.”

I cannot tell you what it was. I really can’t. I was incredibly attracted to his picture, but who knew what he looked like in person? When would I ever meet him in person? How would this work? What the heck? God’s divine grace, His divine wisdom, His divine guidance. That’s how. There is no other way to explain how Charlie and I came to know each other – except for the fact that God is in control. If you ever doubted it, call me. How would I have ever met him otherwise? Six months before we met, neither of us would have even looked at the other. God’s timing, God’s wisdom, God’s love….became our love.

Happy Two-Days-After-Valentine’s Day, Charlie. You are my world. You are my love. You are my best friend. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving my girls. Thank you for Peanut. Thank you for sharing your seriously strong dance moves with us. Thank you for listening to God, and sweeping me off my feet. Riding into the sunset with you for the past four years has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Those cute little boys....

2010-02-15T17:03:00.001-06:00

Today, just another glimpse of the handsome little Tully boys. Jack, is an adoring older brother, and took several breaks just to give his sweet little baby brother, Britton, a kiss on the head. And, he insisted that I document the cool new Chipmunks house his dad so creatively made for him! And Britton, totally jazzed about his new-found mobility, was a moving target if ever there was one! Enjoy....

Laughing OUT LOUD!!!!

2010-02-14T14:54:00.001-06:00

We LOL too much. In fact, the LOL has become the "I'm good, and you?" to the "Hi, how are you?" It is the easy, thoughtless reply in the virtual world of required responses. Especially in Twitter or Facebook. Someone says something really cute or funny or maybe even not-so-much, but something that just screams REPLY TO ME IN SOME WAY, and we all feel compelled to reply. But, not always, do we have something clever or thoughtful or whatever, to say back. So... LOL. We do it. We slam the "laugh out loud" on the table and walk away. Done.

But, every so often, someone says something that just seriously makes us die with laughter! Today was one such day. In fact, I nearly had to pull my car over to get it out of my system. Here's the story...

Peanut and Brady Lady spent the night with my parents' last night. They got up and went to church with my mom and dad, and then, I am assuming, my dad brought them home after church and my mom stayed to help with the Sweetheart Banquet. Now, did you catch that? MY DADDY brought the baby home. Without my mom. Granted, Bradyn is there, but my DADDY...with the BABY. This congers all sorts of funny situations which are sure to occur. It would be a wealth of sitcom fodder to all those writers out there scratching there heads to try to come up with something funny for "Lucy and Ethel" to get into this week - if only they were there to witness!

So, I'm driving home from a function this morning, and call my dad to check in. Now, keep in mind, as you read this...I am the ONLY one laughing in this conversation. It wasn't until near the end that he started to see the humor as well.

(Ring.....)

"YOU OWE ME ONE," my dad says.

"Oh, yeah? What's going on?" I chuckle.

"We just finished changing Anna's diaper. I think I'm going to be sick."

(me now, hysterical after having started laughing at the way he even answered the phone, wiping tears...yes...already!)

"YOU are changing Anna's diaper? Where's Bradyn?"

(as if he didn't hear me speak)

"Your mom loves to laugh at me and tell the story about how the last diaper I changed was yours, 38 years ago!, and all I did was take the diaper off and put it in the toilet for her to deal with when she got home. We didn't have these velcro thingys."

(me, still laughing so hard, trying to calm down)

"Did she squirm? I have to wrestle her for every diaper change."

"No, I think she was just so shocked I was the one doing it. She didn't squirm at all. But, Kim, it is disgusting. My stomach hurts. I think I'm going to throw up. What should I do?"

"About the diaper?"

"No, about my stomach? I feel sick. Oh, and will it hurt anything if some of the poop is still on that thing down there?"

(oh my gosh, laughing so hard!, really should have pulled the car over)

"No, it won't hurt anything. Mom can clean it up better when she comes home. Or, Bradyn can."

"When are you coming back? I'm going to go outside and try to get some fresh air. My stomach hurts."

"Soon...love you!"

"I love you, too. We got a new baby lamb..."

So, yeah. If ever there were a situation for a great, big, fat, LOL...this was it! He is such a good sport. I love my Daddy.

Sweet little Aaron...

2010-02-13T13:06:00.000-06:00

One of the millions of reasons...

2010-02-10T17:36:00.004-06:00

I adore this child. She and my daddy are like two little peas in a pod. Found this on my computer today, and well...if you don't know by now girls, if you leave anything cute on my computer...it's FAIR GAME for mommy's blog!

Enjoy...

Snow fun in the hood...

2010-01-30T13:04:00.002-06:00

We have the best neighbors on the planet!

Thinking about getting over myself...

2010-01-29T15:10:00.005-06:00

Talked to a friend today - one who I have known for at least 35 years! Wow. Can any of YOU guys say that? Today, well, today is HER 40th birthday. And, based on pics I have seen (because I haven't seen her in person in, oh, 15 years!), she is as strikingly beautiful as ever. Five wonderful children. Happily married. She sounded so wonderfully content and happy.

Somewhere in the conversation about how we can't believe we are 40!, dieting, aging, life...she said something that just smacked me in the face. "I have gotten to a point where I am okay with myself, just the way I am." Well, I have always been jealous of her beauty, her brains, her gorgeous straight blonde hair (when we were little) - but now, I'm jealous of her heart.

Not jealous in a bad way, but envious that I haven't quite gotten to that place. Here I am, STARVING myself, for what? A bathing suit. I have a wonderful husband, three gorgeous daughters, a nice home, supportive family, and a fun job. So, what do I do? I stress about my body. I am 5'10" and weigh 152. No matter how long I starve or workout, my body REFUSES to let go of another pound. I told another friend this week, "I'm thinking about just giving up." Not giving up on eating more healthy, but giving up on the notion that I might one time in my life have a bathing suit-worthy body.

I told her, I have realized that the whole weight issue, is really vanity at this point. I am at a healthy NUMBER. I am healthy. My blood pressure is 112/70 - every single time it is taken. My total cholesterol has never been over 115. The half of my thyroid that I have left, is dysfunctional, but under control and at proper levels. I can't fool myself into believing I am dieting for MY HEALTH! No. Vanity. Plain and simple. So, is it a sin? Probably. But, face it girls, admit it...this is a sin we Christian women would NEVER really bring up in small group. It is such an accepted slight - one we even kind of make spiritual in a way - by talking badly of ourselves, our bodies....takes the vanity away. Negates any bragging that might pop out. But, isn't it also vane to constantly worry about it?

So, hmmm....can I do it? I want to, but I know in my heart, three weeks from now in Aruba...there's gonna be a European couple on that dive boat. Never fails. Never. She? She will be a bronzed, dutch, blonde bombshell, not one ounce of fat, in a bathing suit I can fit in my wallet. He? He will be a middle-aged, balding, spindly, hairy dude in a speedo. Not fair. Charlie gets to look at THAT, while I am left with THAT! I swear there is the same type of couple on every boat. And, every time I try to tell myself, well....she hasn't had babies, she is all of 24 years old, she, she, she.

That's not me. And she's not me. She doesn't have my family. She doesn't have my wonderful children who account for those acres of stretch marks on my stomach and thighs. One sweet baby girl for each of the three wrinkles on my forehead. She doesn't have my laugh, or my smile, or my crazy fitted-sheet folding skills. Nope. Maybe I'll give up and just enjoy my husband and our trip ALONE. Hey, speaking of my husband! SHE doesn't have 24/7 access to Dancin' Jimmy's seriously strong dance moves! So, there!

I threw it on the GROUND!

2010-01-28T13:52:00.012-06:00

So I posted a status update today on Facebook:

Afterwards, as I was painting Morgan's room, in the QUIET wonderfulness of my house today, I was thinking about how funny it was that nobody knew what I was referring to by saying, "I threw it to the GROUND!" Watch this:

The humor, for me, doesn't lie in the fact that nobody was up on their SNL Digital Shorts. No, in fact, choosing not to participate in mass media and modern pop culture, does not EVER slight anyone in my book. But, I admit I do enjoy me some Saturday Night Live from time to time. And, frequently, I cannot make it through the monologue before turning it off in disgust.

No, I was chuckling to myself (yes, alone, in my house - laughing out loud!) because our little nuclear family has several little pop culture things like this that we have clung to and which pepper our everyday interactions with each other.

An example. Charlie will come into the kitchen and stop me from what I'm doing, "Hey Kim, um, what should I do about Peanut? I gave her some cheese in her high chair. She ate part of it, and do you know what she did with the rest? SHE THREW IT ON THE GROUND!" Ha, ha, chuckle, chuckle, on with life.

Another example, comes from our 24/7 continuous loop of The Wiggles on TV. Watch this (advance to about 1:30min.):

Yep. He wants that groovy jacket. We have seen this probably 2,459 times. No lie. As a result, I'll be working at home peacefully, Peanut sleeping, and the phone rings. It's Charlie, "Did you know, that Captian Feathersword really wants to wear this certain jacket?" Then, a text to Morgan everyday that reads:

So, now we all have started doing this. The other day, I caught myself asking Peanut, "Hey Peanut! Did you know...I wanna put on, my my my boogie shoes? And, boogie with you? Yes, sure do." It is always spoken in everyday tone of voice, very matter of fact. Too funny. So, we do this stuff so often, that we sometime get stares because we will include outsiders in the fun - who do not have a CLUE what we're talking about. Oh, but we think we're SO funny.

Yep. We love our Charlie, and this little quirk he has brought to our lives is just one reason.

What I hate about you...

2010-01-26T13:52:00.010-06:00

Weight-loss....here's what I hate about you. Two major things:

EXERCISE

HATE. It. Hate. Like, HATE. H - A - T - E. Seriously...HATE!!!!!!!!

Look at that thing. Standing over me, with it's little hands on its hips as if you say, "Come on, you fat slob. Get up and move, you bum!" Hate that elliptical machine.

And, no, I do NOT feel better after "a good run." No, it is not relaxing, stress-relieving, OR addicting. I do not get warm fuzzies over a new pair of running shoes. No, I do not. I can't even bring myself to fake enthusiasm over something so tortuous, so sweaty, so boring, and a complete waste of a good toddler-nap. Hate. It. Have I made myself clear? Hate.

Not to mention, the safety aspects alone. I mean, do we really want Mama wielding these when she is living in Crazy-No-Sugar-Ville?

It, however, is ESSENTIAL for weight-loss. Rarely, do you hear of success stories (regardless of the diet plan) of those fortunate to have LOST weight on a diet, that does not include the fact that they were SWEATING everyday. Seriously. You are kidding yourself if you think you are EVER gonna lose weight without exercising. And, the realization of this fact (ahem) PISSES ME OFF. Because, as I have said before I HATE it!

Better move on before I have an aneurism.

DIETING

This one is a strong second to exercise, because, well, Mama loves her sugar. And, bread. Love it. LOVE. IT. I could live on a diet of Sister Schubert's rolls alone, and never care about variety. I love that woman!

Okay - that's not true. I gotta have me some sushi. Let's see, that's sugar, bread, sushi, and (close your ears, girls) tequila. I enjoy all of them. They are good. They are enjoyable. I want them. But, for obvious reasons, I cannot be going around consuming them everyday. Lord, I'd be 400 pounds in a drunken stupor. Not pretty. Also, I am developing a hate-hate relationship with salad. Sick - of - it. I don't care if I ever eat another "leafy green" ever again in the 60-something years left in my life. I am sick of it. Sick. Of it. Blech.

I have now tried several diets, including Weight-Watchers, and the no-carb diet. Weight-Watchers is good, IF YOU FOLLOW IT. That's where I have the problem. :) I will be doing fine, but then, will get bored with the same ol' things everyday (because I get lazy about counting up points of new food items.) I do like that you can have an occasional M&M, without freaking out your body like with the no-carb. And, honestly, I once lost 20 pounds on a combination Weight-Watchers/Marital-Distress diet. But, it is really hard. I also have to say, Weight-Watchers, when done correctly, is the best life-changing-habits plan. The point system teaches portion control, and selecting better foods. Healthy = Less Points = More Per Day.

Now, no-carb. No-carb should be a valid defense in a court of law for homicide. Right up there with self-defense and insanity. You become an evil-death-monger. For about 3-7 days. Then, you get over yourself a bit. It is good because you are really not hungry. You're eating plenty of protein, veggies, nuts, and some even eat fruits. Just no sugar or bread. It is amazing how addicted to sugar we can be. I was seriously desirous of physical violence. I didn't care who or why. Just wanted to put my fist into something.

Sadly, the very best weigh-loss plan I have had results with - MARITAL STRESS. Yes. Twice in my life, I have lost a LOT of weight and got really skinny. And, I LOVED it (being skinny - not divorce.) The plan, however, is NOT for me. And, thankfully, I don't think Dancin' Jimmy is up for the program either. So, it's off to the evil elliptical machine, Biggest Loser for Wii, and my Points Calculator. Grrrr. Now, if I get this weight off despite being happily married, I will REALLY be proud of myself!

Aruba...here I come!

My dad gave me the bird.

2010-01-15T13:40:00.005-06:00

Not really an animal person. Nothing against animals. Just, I don't seem to get those warm-fuzzies from cuddling up with a non-human. They are cute and all. I mean, really! And, I guess I do love little puppies. But, then they grow. And smell. And shed. And poop. And chew. And I just don't think the benefits of an adorable little puppy, outweigh the adult version's mess.

My OCD may be part of the culprit. Oh, and then there are the allergies. I'm allergic to everything except horses and feathers...and feathers are if-y. Anyhoo...

My Sweet Little Brady Lady? She is an ANIMAL LOVER! So is Dancin' Jimmy. So, I guess at some point I will just have to deal. But, right now, it's Shelby. Shelby is a dove. Only, Shelby is a little species confused. Or is is phylum confused? I dunno. Frankly, I think it is amazing that I even remember the word "phylum." Shelby and her life-partner, Snow (we really aren't sure who was a boy, who was a girl, or if we had both), were a gift to Bradyn from my father when me and the big girls moved in with my parents. It was 2005, after my ex-husband and I split. Pa got them for her to help take her mind off of everything. They built them a cute little apartment. Then, 8 year-old little Bradyn, to help them feel at home, painted a jungle scene on the back of the cage. You know, 'cause everyone knows that a dove's natural habitat is the JUNGLE. Love that girl.

Oh man. Brady Lady was fit to be tied, she was so excited. A week after she got them, after having tortured them every day for hours a day, ran in the house and announced, "Nana, Mama! I taught the doves a new trick - and they hardly shake at all, anymore!" Poor doves. But, they grew to love their new little playmate. Thank God they were not the kind of birds that could fly any sort of distance. Silk doves. Bred for magic shows and stuff. They weren't going anywhere, and Bradyn capitalized on that fact everyday as she carefully placed them on her tummy and taught them to crawl up her shirt and kiss her. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil that would have ensued, had we been forced to deal with a fly-away pet.

The doves have remained with my parents - living in the barn where my dad does his woodworking. Well, we lost Snow this past fall. It was horrible. There was a memorial. And a plaque to go with it:

Not sure what caused Snow's demise, but we were worried about Shelby - in the barn, where possibly a snake had gotten to Snow. SO.....

My dad gave us the bird.

We finally gave in and let Bradyn's feathered buddy move in. Initially, it was to stay in the garage. Then, the crazy cold hit and we just couldn't bear to leave it out there. So, now we are the owners of the luckiest dove on the planet. Shelby hit pay-dirt. And, oh the mess. And, oh....what was that?

I'm in my office one day working like crazy when I hear, "Err - err - ERRR!" I swear, it sounded exactly like a rooster. I looked out the window to see if maybe one of my crazy neighbors was just being silly outside. Nope. Must have been in my mind, I thought. Maybe on TV. Then, again. Dang it, I got up and came down to find that silly dove cockadoodle-dooing. I am not even kidding you. And, although we have taught Anna (who is now in love with the bird, and MUST say "Night-night!" to the bird every night) that the bird says, "Coo!", Anna will certainly one day question our integrity. Because, this bird does not, in fact..."Coo!"

A very good baby-warmer…

2010-01-13T19:30:00.005-06:00

First, let me begin with an excuse note for my absence. I have to admit that the blog became quite a monster there for a while. I was taking so many clients last fall (praise God!), and so many things were falling through the cracks, that I decided I needed to pick my priorities carefully. So, that’s why I haven’t blogged in like, forever. And, I have to tell you all – especially those of you who have protested my truancy – thank you all for even caring that I am writing at all. I mean, God love you, if my pee-pants little ol’ self is entertaining someone other than my Mama and Daddy, Dancin’ Jimmy, and my feminine peeps around here, my day is worth getting up for.

And now for something completely different...
(Guilty Pleasure #45,896 – Monty Python)

So, I got my dream camera. And, the past few weeks I have had the luxury of taking pictures FOR ME. Although, the people around here are no more impressed with my new camera than if I had bought a new bra. And, I’m having a heck of a time getting willing participants. And, all the booty-shaking, chuckling, funny faces, and goofiness that works on my clients (usually) is nothing novel for the people who share my DNA in this house. So, I like to call this body of work, officially, with a little smirk, "photojournalism."

AND....all that is to say, dude (as a certain fellow-mommy-blogger would say)! Look at this cute pic!

I was going through some snaps I took this morning while Peanut was playing dolls and saw this. My first thought was, “Aw…I wonder if boys have this intuition?” I wouldn’t know. Well, maybe…I really don’t remember my two brothers ever covering up a doll, or even caring if a doll were in the room. Maybe, if it was a “Fisher-Price Man” who was about to use his cool little car with a real pulley on the front to help his stranded Evil Knievel buddy out of a ditch. But, no. No motherly instincts.

This pic brings about the same thought, I think, to just about every mom of a daughter. Instinct. My good friend, and a favorite client, commented on this pic after I uploaded it to Facebook.

That was so sweet of her to equate it to me. But, it’s all a sham. Well, maybe not. Not if you are measuring my ability to make sure a baby is warm. I AM SO DOWN WITH THAT! I can make a baby warm. In fact, I probably am the best at it. If any of you need any help with baby-warming. Please call. I’m all over it.

However, what you never see a little girl do, is practice telling the baby doll how to pick the right man. Or, telling her what time to be home on a Friday night. Or, taking the doll and her friends to the mall. Or, cleaning up after her friends’ sleepover. No. You don’t practice as a little girl, how to tell your little ones that mommy and daddy will no longer be living together. Or, what to do when their boyfriend stands them up. Or, what to say when those mean girls at school don’t like their clothes.

Yikes. Parenting is hard.

I have attempted to dive into the mommy-blogging world. I have found mostly it is a lot of the same stuff. Another reason I haven’t blogged much lately. I feel like I’m repeating myself, and for sure – others. Most of the mommy-blogging, is baby-blogging. And, me, being a mom of a current “baby” of 20 months, I can so relate. I can relate to the frequent night wakings, the guilt over not nursing, the desire to hire a nanny, and the yearning for a glass of wine in the middle of the day. Yes, I can relate.

But, I can also relate to the women out there who are wading through the delicate world of how to teach your twelve-year-old what matches what, and how to do her own hair. How to decide which of my teen’s friends is okay to say, “Yes, it’s okay if I drop you off at the mall with _____, and I’ll pick you up later.” How to tell yourself it’s okay to let go. It is especially hard when you still have a baby at home. It’s not as easy to remember who you need to hold hands tightly with in the parking lot, and who you need to let go to start being the woman you are trying to raise. In the minutia of life, sometimes I find myself handcuffing my sweet Moey to my left arm, and giving Anna the keys to the car. Then, I do the animated double-take (eyeyeyeyeye!) and come to my senses.

So, yeah. I can warm a baby. Can’t nurse one, but man, my babies were WARM. But, I really have no freaking idea how to make a young woman. No clue. So, where are my peeps? Where are the mommies-of-teen-and-tween-bloggers? I NEED YOU!

Hip-hip-hooray…I’m here to try to find them. Wish me luck.

Hand holding...

2009-12-28T17:15:00.001-06:00

Well, another Christmas in the bag, so to speak. I realize it's been a loooooonnnnngggg time since I've blogged. Why? Cause it was insane for me to pile up more work for myself, when I was already running on a ridiculously unrealistic path. But, tonight, I'm sitting in a hotel room holding hands with a sick Peanut. Charlie has gone to take the big girls to meet their dad near Baltimore. (Have I mentioned that Charlie is a saint?) I'm watching The Wiggles and Madagascar for the nth time. And, it's ok.

It's ok because I'm still. It is so rare that I am just...still. Can't help but channel my grandmother and quote the good book, "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) Yes. I am still. And I know God is with me.

This year ahead...will be the year of stillness. Yes, I will work. Yes, there will be more school programs and rehearsals and church functions. But, my goal is to make a concious effort to be still and sit with God. The One and Only God. The one who gave me Jesus - who is the only way to life everlasting.

Yes, I will make time to be still and hold the hands that made the Grand Canyon. That put the stars in their places. That were violently fastened to a wooden beam....all, so I could hold His hand forever. Guess He loves me, eh? Well, I love Him. Happy birthday, Jesus.

Location:Richmond,United States

Oh the joys....

2009-11-16T11:50:00.004-06:00

Oh the joys of working for yourself. At home. With children. Ahhhh.....

Oh the guts it takes to post this picture! My fear, is that all of you wonderful, professional, photographers, will snicker at my rudimentary "studio," my choice of lens, lighting, backdrops, etc... I'm not even going to go into what's going on with my hair! (Hey, It was in my FACE!) But, this photo is priceless to me.

As I was working yesterday on a newborn session for my dear, dear, friend, Wendy Barnes McEntee, I saw a flash go off in my peripheral vision. Wait a minute, I thought to myself, my flash is OFF! I looked down to check my camera, and realized that Wendy was standing there taking pictures of ME! By the way, that's a first, Wendy! Never before has a client taken MY picture!

I had skipped church to get ready, and sent Charlie and the girls along to church without me. I gave him instructions to keep them out as long as possible. I was certainly afraid that if he brought Anna in, with a BABY in the house - who KNOWS what would happen??? Of course, as soon as she saw that baby, man-oh-man...she was on little Elly like white on rice! "Bay-bee, bay-bee," she pointed as if there were a snake in the room and everyone must look NOW! She danced around, circled the precious little one, and was just itching to get her hands on the, "Bay-bee!" Anna bent down and waved at little Elly and said, "Hi, bay-bee!" Then she spent the next several minutes looking at me and holding her hands out as if to say that it was HER turn!

Things got a little tricky once Elly started whimpering, and I (OH MY GOSH! THE HORROR!) picked her up. When I held that baby close and rocked her and got her back to sleep, Anna stood there just soooo lost, confused, and a little weirded-out as if to say, "What the heck is going on here? Why is MY mom holding THAT bay-bee?" Suddenly, there are arms around my legs that are not about to let go anytime soon. So, what do we moms do? We multi-task. I sat down with the baby, assembled my shot (all the while tethered tightly to an 18 month-old at the knees), and plopped down on the floor. Not one second later, Anna assumed her position of authority over that baby - in the throne - my LAP! The throne that no other child is supposed to occupy but HER! (Little does she know it is USED! Boy, oh boy! When she realizes Morgan and Bradyn were there first...heads will roll!)

But, with the slight stress this caused, along with a little frustration, when I saw this picture...my heart warmed. Oh, to have a pic of me in my Mama's lap while she worked! My sweet friend Wendy adopted this precious child with her husband Colin, and they are so in love - with each other AND the baby! We take for granted these precious little ones that get under our feet all day and make the simple things, ridiculously challenging. But, the joy...my heart is full of joy! Praise God for these little bundles of joy!

Hereinafter referred to as "the funk"...

2009-11-12T10:40:00.005-06:00

Blah. That pretty much sums up what this blog is about. Blah. The energy it takes to even type "blah" right now, is ridiculous. I was talking to Charlie last night, and the night before, and the night before that....about the fact that I think I may still be suffering from post-partum depression. (Hereinafter referred to as "the funk.") Poor Charlie.

Seriously (crap, I use that word a lot these days), but seriously, that poor guy fell in love with a woman who tricked him into thinking she had it all together. And, I must admit, I put on quite the performance. But, this actress is getting tired of the show schedule, and I am no longer packing the house every night. My feet ache from all the dancing, and I keep forgetting my lines.

I write this just as I am about to call the doc and admit that maybe I need a shove towards sanity in the form of "medimeece" ("medicine" in our house, thanks to a 2 year old Morgan.) Why do I fight against the whole anti-depressant thing? I guess, because I took the meds for so long - and tried just about everyone they had - back when I was married to my first husband. Nothing seemed to work. Soon after my second child was born the post-partum set in. Soon after that, my marriage started it's slow descent into death. It was hard separating the two. Did my marriage fail because of my funk? Or was the funk brought on by the state of my marriage? Looking back, I had good reason to be depressed. It was situational.

Now, however, there is no obvious reason for me to be so down. No reason for the constant fatigue that is nearly painful. I have an amazing husband. Three gorgeous girls, who although are not perfect, they certainly are amazing and wonderful. Nice house. Good job, in fact, my dream job, which has taken off like wild fire! A whole group of wonderful supportive friends, both in "real life" and in my social networks. And, although it certainly drags me down, my weight is hardly at the point of a major mental issue for me right now. And, yes...I'm getting PLENTY of sleep. Why the heck can I not snap out of it???

So, it certainly seems logical that there is a chemical imbalance up in here. My brain tells me very logically, "You need the medicinal push to get the ball rolling towards sanity, Kim." But, the little devil on my shoulder says, "What about the side-effects. Oh my gosh. You HATE the side effects! The haze. The stomach issues. The weight gain. Don't do it, Kim!" What do I have to say to that? I say, I'm dealing with most of that stuff anyway, what does it really matter at this point? I feel maybe I can only go up from here.

So, there. Once again, I have bared my soul on the internet. May I ask one favor of you all? Please don't read this and feel all sorry for me. If you have gone through this - share your story, your success, your struggle. But, please don't feel like you have to cheer me up for sympathize. That just makes me feel worse.

And, please...share your life with me. One of the neatest things about blogging has been to find a few other people going through the same stuff. But, one of the hardest things, and a huge reason why I haven't blogged in a while...is that this relationship with you seems so one-sided. I blog. I vomit up my life (good and bad), and rarely get anything in return. I want to know about YOU! So, could everybody please start a blog? Ha, ha!

Love and peace through Christ Jesus my Lord,

Kim