Oh the joys....

Oh the joys of working for yourself. At home. With children. Ahhhh.....




Oh the guts it takes to post this picture! My fear, is that all of you wonderful, professional, photographers, will snicker at my rudimentary "studio," my choice of lens, lighting, backdrops, etc... I'm not even going to go into what's going on with my hair! (Hey, It was in my FACE!) But, this photo is priceless to me.

As I was working yesterday on a newborn session for my dear, dear, friend, Wendy Barnes McEntee, I saw a flash go off in my peripheral vision. Wait a minute, I thought to myself, my flash is OFF! I looked down to check my camera, and realized that Wendy was standing there taking pictures of ME! By the way, that's a first, Wendy! Never before has a client taken MY picture!

I had skipped church to get ready, and sent Charlie and the girls along to church without me. I gave him instructions to keep them out as long as possible. I was certainly afraid that if he brought Anna in, with a BABY in the house - who KNOWS what would happen??? Of course, as soon as she saw that baby, man-oh-man...she was on little Elly like white on rice! "Bay-bee, bay-bee," she pointed as if there were a snake in the room and everyone must look NOW! She danced around, circled the precious little one, and was just itching to get her hands on the, "Bay-bee!" Anna bent down and waved at little Elly and said, "Hi, bay-bee!" Then she spent the next several minutes looking at me and holding her hands out as if to say that it was HER turn!

Things got a little tricky once Elly started whimpering, and I (OH MY GOSH! THE HORROR!) picked her up. When I held that baby close and rocked her and got her back to sleep, Anna stood there just soooo lost, confused, and a little weirded-out as if to say, "What the heck is going on here? Why is MY mom holding THAT bay-bee?" Suddenly, there are arms around my legs that are not about to let go anytime soon. So, what do we moms do? We multi-task. I sat down with the baby, assembled my shot (all the while tethered tightly to an 18 month-old at the knees), and plopped down on the floor. Not one second later, Anna assumed her position of authority over that baby - in the throne - my LAP! The throne that no other child is supposed to occupy but HER! (Little does she know it is USED! Boy, oh boy! When she realizes Morgan and Bradyn were there first...heads will roll!)

But, with the slight stress this caused, along with a little frustration, when I saw this picture...my heart warmed. Oh, to have a pic of me in my Mama's lap while she worked! My sweet friend Wendy adopted this precious child with her husband Colin, and they are so in love - with each other AND the baby! We take for granted these precious little ones that get under our feet all day and make the simple things, ridiculously challenging. But, the joy...my heart is full of joy! Praise God for these little bundles of joy!

Hereinafter referred to as "the funk"...

Blah. That pretty much sums up what this blog is about. Blah. The energy it takes to even type "blah" right now, is ridiculous. I was talking to Charlie last night, and the night before, and the night before that....about the fact that I think I may still be suffering from post-partum depression. (Hereinafter referred to as "the funk.") Poor Charlie.

Seriously (crap, I use that word a lot these days), but seriously, that poor guy fell in love with a woman who tricked him into thinking she had it all together. And, I must admit, I put on quite the performance. But, this actress is getting tired of the show schedule, and I am no longer packing the house every night. My feet ache from all the dancing, and I keep forgetting my lines.

I write this just as I am about to call the doc and admit that maybe I need a shove towards sanity in the form of "medimeece" ("medicine" in our house, thanks to a 2 year old Morgan.) Why do I fight against the whole anti-depressant thing? I guess, because I took the meds for so long - and tried just about everyone they had - back when I was married to my first husband. Nothing seemed to work. Soon after my second child was born the post-partum set in. Soon after that, my marriage started it's slow descent into death. It was hard separating the two. Did my marriage fail because of my funk? Or was the funk brought on by the state of my marriage? Looking back, I had good reason to be depressed. It was situational.

Now, however, there is no obvious reason for me to be so down. No reason for the constant fatigue that is nearly painful. I have an amazing husband. Three gorgeous girls, who although are not perfect, they certainly are amazing and wonderful. Nice house. Good job, in fact, my dream job, which has taken off like wild fire! A whole group of wonderful supportive friends, both in "real life" and in my social networks. And, although it certainly drags me down, my weight is hardly at the point of a major mental issue for me right now. And, yes...I'm getting PLENTY of sleep. Why the heck can I not snap out of it???

So, it certainly seems logical that there is a chemical imbalance up in here. My brain tells me very logically, "You need the medicinal push to get the ball rolling towards sanity, Kim." But, the little devil on my shoulder says, "What about the side-effects. Oh my gosh. You HATE the side effects! The haze. The stomach issues. The weight gain. Don't do it, Kim!" What do I have to say to that? I say, I'm dealing with most of that stuff anyway, what does it really matter at this point? I feel maybe I can only go up from here.

So, there. Once again, I have bared my soul on the internet. May I ask one favor of you all? Please don't read this and feel all sorry for me. If you have gone through this - share your story, your success, your struggle. But, please don't feel like you have to cheer me up for sympathize. That just makes me feel worse.

And, please...share your life with me. One of the neatest things about blogging has been to find a few other people going through the same stuff. But, one of the hardest things, and a huge reason why I haven't blogged in a while...is that this relationship with you seems so one-sided. I blog. I vomit up my life (good and bad), and rarely get anything in return. I want to know about YOU! So, could everybody please start a blog? Ha, ha!

Love and peace through Christ Jesus my Lord,

Kim