New blog on the way...

Well, I've been struggling with the content on my blog for quite some time.  Personal?  Photography? Both?  I get many emails, formspring questions, twitter, facebook, comments from blog readers, you wouldn't believe it...all asking me about my "story."   You know, the one where I went through a divorce, amicably, and met Prince Charlie, and am riding off into the sunset happily ever after...ha!

I love to tell the story.  LOVE IT!  But, not so much because I love bragging about how great my life is now, but how much I want everyone to know how great God is, and how He has brought me through it all.  I remember being in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death thinking, Please God, use this crappy time in my life in some way.  Don't let me be going through this HELLO! for nothing.

So, I've been thinking of ways I can share all this info in a more organized, accessible way - so that my sisters (and brothers) dealing with what I dealt with will have something to cling to.  I started writing an actual book.  Yes, crazy, like I have a lot of free time on my hands.  I need my head examined.  But, it is really just a cathartic time waster, I don't really expect to ever finish it.    But, if not a book, what?

Well, the answer is gonna be another blog.  But, I need your help.  I will be formulating the content, and working on the technical logistics for a few weeks.  What I need from you is help in getting the word out to anyone you know who is going through a divorce, has gone through a divorce, is a single parent, has dealt with the pain of living with an addict, etc.  Keep an eye on this blog for details coming soon.

The other thing I need from you guys is help with content.  Every time I try to start talking about my story, I get so side-tracked or overwhelmed with what to tell you, and what not to tell you, that I stall and break down completely.  Here's my answer to that...the blog will be in the form of "Ask Kim..."  So, I need questions.  Don't be shy!  Ask away.  If I can, I will answer them all as honestly as possible.

Finally, please know that this is not out of a feeling that I know it all.  I do not.  I am not a counselor.  I am not a trained professional.  I am a mom.  I am a wife.  I am an ex-wife.  I can only tell you what worked for me, what I feel God has told me is the right thing to do in each situation, and pray for you.

So, send in your questions to kim@kimjay.com.  In a few weeks, I will answer them one-by-one.  Pray for those who ask questions, and please pray for me as I try to answer them.

Love-love...

Kim

Taking a little break...

After days and days of editing day and night, I had to take a break.  My eyes were about to fall out of my head.  So, I gave Charlie a break (who had been so patiently working the Peanut shift in every one of his free minutes from work) and me and the Nut went "Side!"  It is so beautiful lately.  Just gorgeous.  So, me and my baby girl, and my OTHER baby (my Mark ii), went out"side!".  Just a glimpse of the good times...

In the hammock...

Anna had a great day, but...

Sigh.  As many of you have read on Facebook and Twitter, it has been touch-n-go here lately with the Nut and her tantrums.  Meaning, there have been days when I felt like running through a plate-glass window on the 100th floor.  Seriously.

I could write about this morning's car ride from my sister-in-law's house in East Memphis, all the way to the Wolfchase exit....SCREAMING bloody murder that whole time, or last Sunday at the Lakehouse (and the boat-neighbors who were innocent bystanders and witnesses to the horror that ensued), or the last Thursday note home from school which was accompanied by an impromptu teacher meeting in the hall...

In case you can't read that, it says, "Anna had a great day but she had to go to time out for getting mad and throwing her hairbow at Ms. Kate!" (Exclamation.  She used an exclamation!)  I love how it starts out, "Anna had a great day..."  I can't help but wonder if that could be translated as, "Anna had a great day, but the teachers, however..."  They said they had to HOLD her in time out.  Yeah, I believe them.

I am just about at my wit's end.  I am not even writing this as a funny, ha-ha, I'm a 40 year-old with a toddler, story.  I AM AT MY WITS END, people!  Tap, tap, tap...is this thing on?  And, girls (and guys), we're only a little over a month in...to this two-year-old deal.  And, frankly, I have no grand illusions of any kind of three-year-old magic wonderfulness.  No, God gave me The Nut.  Or as Charlie affectionately refers to her, Nutcase.

Venting on the phone the other day to my sweet friend, she offered this godly insight, "I wonder if God feels the same way about us when we are out of control."  Hmmmm.  You know, if we didn't have godly friends like Pam in our lives, how would we ever weed through all the wordly crap?  Yes.  Good point, Pamalama (as I affectionately refer to HER.)

I bet God is just here standing around us as we flail about, putting His big arms out and making sure we don't slam our heads against the proverbial hardwood floors.  I bet He is just like, "Ugh!  Kim!  Get a grip!  As soon as you calm down, I will be able to TELL you what will make you happy!"  But, no.  We want our craziness.  We want our pity parties, our fits, our tantrums.  It's fun.  People give us attention for it.  We get the focus.  So pathetic we are.  But, He loves us anyway.  Why?  Because He made us.  Because we are in His image - just like little Anna looks like me, I look like God.  We have found ourselves quite partial to these little beings we pushed out of our misshapen bodies.  And, the Lord is quite partial to us.

This morning, I went to change the Nut's diaper.  "Come on, Peanut, let's go get that stinky diaper off!"  "Okay, mama!"  We went to my bedroom and I put the changing mat down on my bed.  Anna is on my hip, and as I go to lay her down on the bed, she says, "No.  Mama, shhhh."  She put her thumb on my lips.  I didn't know WHAT she was doing.  She closed her eyes, puckered up her lips, held my face in her little hands - that currently smell like mustard after this...

and kissed me so sweetly.  Then, she put her face against mine, wrapped her hands around my neck and hugged me for what seemed like five minutes.  Kissed me again, and then let me lay her down to change her diaper.  I will remember this day for the rest of my life.  That was the sweetest, most affectionate show of love I have received...possibly ever.

Oh, Jesus.  I want to hold your face in my hands and kiss you and hug you like that!  I know one day, I will.  But, until then, what shall I ever do?  In some ways, when Anna loved on me this morning, it was as if Jesus had directly told her to.  Thank you, Anna.  Thank you, Jesus.  You sure know what a mom needs to get her through.  And, I promise, I will put on my big girl pants and tone down the tantrums.  

New editions...

What an amazing family!  Our session was in honor of the newest member to the Andrus family - Jennifer!  What a great reason to update the family portraits.  This was the most enjoyable session!  And, every single one of them?  PHOTO - GENIC!  What a joy and honor to meet them.

Enjoy...

Zoe, Zoe, ten days old...

Could hardly believe this beautiful sweet babe was only 10 days old!  How alert!  How happy to be awake!  Ha, ha!  She is an absolute doll and I was so happy to meet her!

Introducing, Zoe...

I wonder...

Every time I see sweet little Titus, I wonder.  Those precious little eyes, that soft, auburn-ish bald head...I wonder.  IF God had given ME a boy...would he look like sweet little Titus?  Well, if He did - I wouldn't have been any happier.  And, neither are his sweet parents, and grandparents!  Enjoy, little Titus...

Boop, boop diddum daddum waddum chew!

"Hello.  My name is Kim Jay, and I am a sushi-a-holic."

(all-together) "Hi, Kim."

"It has been 23 hours since I last ate raw fish."

Okay. So WHAT is the deal? What the HECK do they put in this stuff that makes it soooooo addicting? I'm not even kidding.  I have come to the point in my life where I realize I have a problem.  A real, serious, problem.

Let's go back in time, first, shall we?  Five years ago, not only would I not eat sushi, I would not eat fish of any kind.  I think it all started when I was about 17, and we went on a family vacation to Panama City, Florida.  On that trip, we went deep-sea fishing.  On that trip, it rained.  It was pretty rocky out there.  On that trip, a man stood at the front of the boat and puked his guts up the entire time.  On that trip, the smell of the squid we were using at bait, combined itself in my memory with the smell of that dude's tossed cookies.  And, on that trip, I was  turned off fish and it's smell of any kind for the next 20 years of my life.  A tragedy.  A moment of silence, please.  (Oh, and by the way...on that trip, I caught the biggest fish and won the $64 pot!)

So, flash-forward to 2007.  I'm pregnant.  No fish for me, and that's just fine and dandy.  Or was it?  You see, Charlie got my girls hooked on the stuff, and guess where everyone wanted to go as a special meal out?  Sushi.  But, I could not partake, so I just sat and watch them in utter delight and wonderment of the meal they were enjoying.  Suddenly, my little teriyaki chicken wasn't looking so hot.  I wanted that fish.  I had tasted it on our honeymoon in Maui as sashimi, and it wasn't bad at all.  No fish taste!  But, now I was pregnant and was forbidden the roll!  They ate it on birthdays, they ate it in the Bahamas on vacation, they ate it on Saturdays, they ate, they ate, they ate...

SO, we get to Memphis a year later, Peanut is 8 weeks old and my dear friend, who will get my entire estate when I die because of this, told me about Osaka.  And, once at Osaka - there was - THE CORDOVA ROLL.  It has been downhill/uphill since (depending on whether your name is Charlie/Kim.)  Why?  Cause the stuff ain't cheap!  I find myself scraping my pennies, downloading coupons, memorizing the lunch specials, and paying cash so Charlie doesn't know...that I've had the fish.  I've even begged and pleaded on Facebook for someone, ANYONE...TAKE ME OUT FOR SUSHI!

So, I'm scarfing it down in my car in a parking lot, and Charlie calls:  

"Whatcha doin?"

"Just grabbing a bite to eat while I'm out."

"YOU'RE EATING SUSHI AREN'T YOU?!?!?!?!?"

"Maybe?"  (And, I even give him the cute little puppy dog face over the phone - which he totally sees in my voice - because, you know, we're married and have those super-powers now.) 

"You're not right!  You wouldn't even eat FISH when I met you!  I'm scared to look at the AMEX bill.  You've GOT to stop."

This, I know.  I do have a problem.  So, do YOU have a sushi problem?  Anyone else out there?  Am I alone in this?  Here are some of the signs:

1. You're hoarding cash so that you can eat sushi without your husband knowing.
2. The people at Osaka know your name, and your mom's name, and your friends' names, and your brothers' names, and your kids' names, but not-so-much your husband's.
3. You equate large sums of cash to how much sushi that could buy.
4. Your daughters are now on their own for college tuition.
5. Your 2 year old can properly use chop-sticks.
6. You have chopsticks in your glove-compartment.
7. You have chopsticks in your purse.
8. You have chopsticks in your closet.
9. You have voicemail from friends telling you where they saw coupons for Osaka - and you DARE NOT delete them!
10. Your friends are trying to find you and drop by Osaka just in case...
11. Your mother (aka ENABLER) calls and says, "Did I hear you say you wanted to eat sushi today?"

So, I did come to the realization that I had a problem and needed to hold up to my part of the family cut-backs and put down the sticks.  I told Charlie THREE WEEKS AGO, that the next time I ate sushi, it would be HIS idea.  Well, that day came.  And, it was last night.  And, it was good.  (Wait. Hold that thought a moment.  Mmmmmm.)  But, now?  I want more.  So, I'm writing about it instead.  And, dang, those little fishies are just gonna have to keep on swimming - but not forever.  

Two.

My sweet little Peanut.  She, is two.  She is SO two, that her birthday was May 1st ("Mayday, mayday, can you hear me?") and I am JUST NOW blogging her birthday.  She's a keepin' me busy!

So much.  Here goes...

Saturday, her actual birth day was pretty uneventful.  She really doesn't even understand "birthday" except that "birthday cake" is involved.  THAT, she gets.  I guess all the birthdays in her class at school this year prepared her for the magic of flour and sugar and eggs and BUTTERCREAM ICING.  Her other favorite, "Cock-oh-whoa."  Or, chocolate milk.  So, Saturday, she's thinking, isn't anything special because...no cake.  

birthday = cake + cock-oh-whoa  

Since we have not had her dedicated at church yet, we thought it would be good to go ahead and do it on the birthday party day so our friends and family could kill two birds with one stone.  May 2, the dedication...at our wonderful new church that we LOVE.  And, they love us.  Which made the day...beautiful.

It started out okay.  The novelty of Nana and Pa, and Memaw (her GREAT-grandmother), and Matt and Amy, and Wendy and AnnaGrace and her family - at Peanut's church was fun for her.  (I just adore this picture.  It's not technically very good, but look at the way my daddy is looking at her.  LOVE)

Then, she started getting antsy during the announcements.  I'm thinking, Oh boy.  We better get this show on the road before it all comes to a head.  They call us up, announce our new membership, and begin on the important task of dedicating our sweet little Anna Katelyn to the Lord.  

Well, it is truly as if she woke up that day, said to herself, "Wait.  I'm two now.  Yeah!  Let's turn this mother out!"  And, in typical Roaten-Jay overachieving fashion...she was TWO.  Terrible.  Terrible.  Two.  She's gonna do "TWO" like no other kids has EVER done two!  Words can't do justice, and I'll spare all the mundane antics of just trying to get her OUT OF THE HOUSE that morning.

So, then, the service.  Notice the look on our dear friend and elder's face (the red-head) at one point.  She had run around the podium several dozen times, peeked through Charlie's legs continuously.  Jumped off the step, got back on the step, jumped off the step, got back on the step...  All, while our dear new pastor was asking us though oh, so important questions.  "Will you promise to raise Anna up to be a godly woman, and to love Jesus, and to..."  Then, the prayer with the anointing of oil.  She looked at those elders and her face said, "Oh no your NOT gonna put your hands on me!  And, whatever you have in that bottle, you can KEEP TO YOURSELF!"  

So, it all turned out okay when he brought out the little Bible with her name on it.  "Okay, presents?  Well, NOW we're talking!  I can hold still for that!"

So, she has been dedicated to Christ.  Just as my older two girls, and generations and generations before.  The whole time, I was praying to myself, "Lord, let it TAKE."  Ha, ha!  Because, above all else I want for my children, it is for them to know the Lord.  It is THE most important thing ever.  They will grow up, make mistakes, make bad boy choices, try things they shouldn't, maybe NEVER learn to keep their rooms clean, and will fall away from Christ many times.  My only prayer in life...is that they always go back to Him.  

The biggest blessing of the day.  Glenn, another new member (so, I don't know him very well at all), came to me and told me, that he really felt he needed to tell me this.  That God was impressing on his heart, that Anna would grow to be a fine, godly woman one day.  That she would really come to love the Lord one day so much.  That it was a very strong feeling he felt was from the Lord. 

Wow.

My heart.  I told him that he couldn't know how much that meant to me, and that I was going to write that in her little pink Bible they had given her.  So, maybe.  Just maybe.  God will make the promise complete.

And, so the tantrums have revved up.  Majorly.  I am having to physically force her to sit in her time-out chair for the entire two minutes.  Even, as she is clawing and hitting and screaming.  And, as I hold her there, calmly waiting for her to settle down for the time-out-post-mortem-talk ("Now, one day you will be able to control yourself and be a big girl.  But, until then, mama has to HELP you control yourself") I pray.  I pray for God to give me glimpses of that godly woman to be.  

I love you, Anna Jay.  You are the light of your daddy's and my eyes.  And, you are the light of Jesus' eyes, too.  Let em' shine, girl!

3,000 calories...

I've known Daina for, hmmm....let's see....what is it? 10 years?  Well, if you go back to the year she and my brother were in Mrs. Wojcik's Kindergarten class at Altruria, it would be about 28 years!  Her beautiful daughter Madeleine  and my daughter Morgan went to the same elementary school as we did, and had the same teacher together - Mrs. Wojcik!  So, yeah, we tight.  Ha!

AND, both of us having 16 year-olds to contend with, well, both of us were out of our minds at about the same time and decided to have babies again.  We caught up with each other at high school registration last year and we both just laughed at each other and our little diaper-bag-toting selves!  Although, I'm sure she occasionally joins me in the What was I thinking? moments, we also get to enjoy this fun two-year-old time.

Jackson was a hoot!  And, he was FAST!  We did a lot of aerobics chasing him and trying to entertain him long enough for an in-focus shot.  At one point, I even bribed him by promising to carry him to the top of the fire-escape.  During which time, his mother, who was holding my camera for me, thought it would be funny to snap a shot:

Yes, I'm sure I burned 3,000 calories on that photo shoot!  But, we sure had fun!  Enjoy, Madeleine and Jackson...

Self-portrait...

Been soooo busy working on Peanut's birthday, a couple of other sessions, and just everyday stuff.  Will be posting pics from the Anna-Dedication-Extravaganza-Bonanza soon.  As well as a video that is.....well, Peanut.

But, today I was working on sweet little Elly's session, and wow.  That girl's eyes.  Gorgeous.  So big, so clear and beautiful, well...I could see myself in them.  Made me think (and I've talked about this before), can God see Himself in MY eyes?  I'm going to open them up big and keep them as clear as I can, so maybe, just maybe, He can.

Today, my self-portrait.  Can you see me?  Love to you all.