Blah. That pretty much sums up what this blog is about. Blah. The energy it takes to even type "blah" right now, is ridiculous. I was talking to Charlie last night, and the night before, and the night before that....about the fact that I think I may still be suffering from post-partum depression. (Hereinafter referred to as "the funk.") Poor Charlie.
Seriously (crap, I use that word a lot these days), but seriously, that poor guy fell in love with a woman who tricked him into thinking she had it all together. And, I must admit, I put on quite the performance. But, this actress is getting tired of the show schedule, and I am no longer packing the house every night. My feet ache from all the dancing, and I keep forgetting my lines.
I write this just as I am about to call the doc and admit that maybe I need a shove towards sanity in the form of "medimeece" ("medicine" in our house, thanks to a 2 year old Morgan.) Why do I fight against the whole anti-depressant thing? I guess, because I took the meds for so long - and tried just about everyone they had - back when I was married to my first husband. Nothing seemed to work. Soon after my second child was born the post-partum set in. Soon after that, my marriage started it's slow descent into death. It was hard separating the two. Did my marriage fail because of my funk? Or was the funk brought on by the state of my marriage? Looking back, I had good reason to be depressed. It was situational.
Now, however, there is no obvious reason for me to be so down. No reason for the constant fatigue that is nearly painful. I have an amazing husband. Three gorgeous girls, who although are not perfect, they certainly are amazing and wonderful. Nice house. Good job, in fact, my dream job, which has taken off like wild fire! A whole group of wonderful supportive friends, both in "real life" and in my social networks. And, although it certainly drags me down, my weight is hardly at the point of a major mental issue for me right now. And, yes...I'm getting PLENTY of sleep. Why the heck can I not snap out of it???
So, it certainly seems logical that there is a chemical imbalance up in here. My brain tells me very logically, "You need the medicinal push to get the ball rolling towards sanity, Kim." But, the little devil on my shoulder says, "What about the side-effects. Oh my gosh. You HATE the side effects! The haze. The stomach issues. The weight gain. Don't do it, Kim!" What do I have to say to that? I say, I'm dealing with most of that stuff anyway, what does it really matter at this point? I feel maybe I can only go up from here.
So, there. Once again, I have bared my soul on the internet. May I ask one favor of you all? Please don't read this and feel all sorry for me. If you have gone through this - share your story, your success, your struggle. But, please don't feel like you have to cheer me up for sympathize. That just makes me feel worse.
And, please...share your life with me. One of the neatest things about blogging has been to find a few other people going through the same stuff. But, one of the hardest things, and a huge reason why I haven't blogged in a while...is that this relationship with you seems so one-sided. I blog. I vomit up my life (good and bad), and rarely get anything in return. I want to know about YOU! So, could everybody please start a blog? Ha, ha!
Love and peace through Christ Jesus my Lord,
Kim
So we just posted basically the same thing at the same time. Except you are nicer than I am. Nonetheless, I'm with ya sister, I'm with ya.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful that I haven't experienced this and my heart really goes out to those who do. I remember the first couple of weeks after Livi was born where I cried EVERY.SINGLE.DAY! David would come out from his office at 3 in the afternoon and I would still be in my robe. (Oh my, it's 2:15, she's 7 months and I'M STILL IN MY ROBE TODAY!) Anyway, I worried that it may be PPD, but one day I realized that it had been a few days since I had cried and things just got better each day. I think calling the doctor is a good thing - I don't understand why we (I include myself in this) sometimes don't turn to them for help. My mom has shingles right now and isn't sleeping at night. I told her to call the doctor and ask for an Ambien and she won't do it. Her reasoning? "I don't want to take another pill..." ??? For relief? What's one more pill to take if it could help?
ReplyDeleteSo, how's that for a rant that tells you what's going on with me? Ha. Made you smile? Maybe, maybe?
Kim, you just eloquently spoke for scores of us who are in the exact same boat as you. Well done! I also deal with depression, as well as anxiety -- which at times RULES my life. I just went back on meds after a year of miserably trying to cope without them. I resisted going back on, like you, because I hate the side effects so much. I encourage you to at least have a discussion with your doctor. There might be something new, or a new combination of drugs, you can try that wasn't available before. In case you're curious, I went on Busprione (Buspar). It has helped a lot. I wrote a blog post recently called "Anxiety" that describes my situation. It's at www.iheartmimi.com. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteI went thru the same thing and am currently on my 3rd medication that I've been on since July '06. I really like it- Cymbalta! The only side effects I have with it is just if I forget to take it- the withdrawal kind. That's it- totally feel like MYself again!
ReplyDeleteI got on Zoloft right after my 1st wedding anniversary in 1999- I felt kinda like you mentioned- "My poor husband, we've been married a year and now I'm crazy!" Well, we're NOT CRAZY & thank GOD I had a doctor to point that out to me...because I literally felt like it. Zoloft worked & I took it for 2 years. Then took myself off to get pregnant.
18 weeks pregnant I had a terrible panic attack. My OB/GYN put me on Prozac which I also really liked! I was on that until about 2 weeks before my son was born. I planned to breastfeed & my OB/GYN said he thought it would be fine but that he was only my doctor, not my baby's so I would have to ask his pediatrician. After 2 wks, I could'nt take it- terrible PPD & at my son's 2 wk appt asked his doctor. I was in tears- which was no different than any other day- and she started crying too. She said I couldn't take care of him if I couldn't take care of myself and it was safe so to get back on if I needed to. I did! My husband was SO wonderful through all of it (seriously a saint) as well as my mom & sister!
I was on that until our 2nd son was almost 2yrs old and suddenly felt like I had PPD again. I didn't know I could after all that time & never saw it coming...I mean, almost two YEARS had gone by and BAM!
Long story short, they took me off the Prozac (wasn't working for me anymore, I guess) and put me on Cymbalta. I like it very much. Of course I would love to not have to take anything but I have a chemical imbalance, it's not my fault & apparently hereditary. Almost all the women in my family are on meds for anxiety & depression!
God loves you and gave us doctors to help! Don't feel bad or be ashamed if you need to take something! =)
Please delete this comment if it's too long- I didn't mean to write a book!
I haven't ever met you, have been following you on Twitter and some here on your blog, and after your post today, I feel like not only do I know you, but you know me, too! [OH dear -- I should reassure you I am not a stalker or anything like that - honest!] I have had a life-long struggle with depression and anxiety, and I have fought the need for meds many times. I HATE that I need them. Postpartum with my first child 8 [almost 9! gasp] years ago was definitely the WORSTEST POSTPARTUM EVER, really bordering on psychosis. I look back to those dark days now and am so grateful for my husband, who still found stuff to love about me, and my doctors, who persevered in helping me find the right combo of meds. Never easy, is it? I applaud your writing on this -- SO accurate -- giving a voice to something that still holds the stigma of shame and inadequacy. BTW, without my daily 150 mg. of budeprion xl and 150 mg of fluoxetine, I'm a mess. Do whatever you have to do, girl -- you are soooo worth it! Love your writing, your attitude, your insights, so keep 'em coming!
ReplyDeleteSo at night I get anxiety before going to sleep. I have on and off spurts of insomnia related to this anxiety. But since I started having a creative outlet (my blog) I have been sleeping fairly well for over a year now.
ReplyDeleteI know if I didn't drink coffee or if I drank a little less I wouldn't have the anxiety, but I also might not get much done, and I already do very little, just enough to get by.
So when I start feeling anxious I break out some lotion and rub my own feet for 5 or 10 min. The anxiety melts away. If I'm lucky someone else in the house does it for me. Either way it really helps.
May a man post a comment? :) I don't know about post partum depression, but I do know about depression. In the early 90s I went through a divorce that released an abiding darkness that apparently had been growing in me for years. I was propelled into a severe clinical depression that engulfed my life for almost three years. Early on, I was willing for talk therapy but unwilling for medicinal intervention. I kept telling myself that I had got myself into this mess and I was getting myself out, not drugs. After awhile, I finally decided that there was nothing that I could do to battle the chemical imbalance that was inside of me except some other chemical, i.e. drug, to help. It took awhile for them to determine the best drug combination for me, but I gradually found improvement. Had I to do it over again (Hell no!), I would elected for the drug treatment earlier in the fight.
ReplyDeleteMy psychiatrist was Dr. Radwan Haykal, the best mood disorder expert in the region. I do recommend him, not for talk therapy but for medicinal intervention.
It has been many years since I have had that clinical depression, but I do have spells with diminished moods occasionally. But I know I'll get through.
My life is now one of smiles and delights. There always is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is always a Hand to hold in the darkness.
This has been a Reader's Digest version of "my story."
I always enjoy reading your blogs. You're quite a talented young lady.
Richard
I had my miscarriage in April. It took me until August to get my life re-sorted out again. Honestly, the best medicine for me was talking to people about it. Especially with my boyfriend. He was beyond loving and supportive.
ReplyDeleteGo on the meds. You don't have to struggle through this. Just know that your family and friends (both real life and internet) have your back. We love you and want to see you happy!
Kim, I made a deal with myself a long time ago that having my life back and being happy was worth taking the medication. Some work better than others, so please do not give up. The last medicine I started taking actually made me lose weight! Anxiety and depression can rule your life if you let them. Make the choice not to let them. If you had an infection, you would take an antibiotic. If you were coughing, you would take cough medicine. This is no different. It took me a long time to get there. Trust me. I am thinking about you and praying for you! Wendy
ReplyDeleteI stumbled on to this by accident when I did a google search for a Chinese proverb (I know, I'm confused as well)but thought I would share my views
ReplyDeleteMy son is 6 now and is the best thing in my life. However, I didn't always feel like that. When he was born I fed him myself, did the night shift so as not to interrupt my partners sleep, kept on top of the housework, tried to make an effort every day by getting dressed as soon as I got up, greeted visitors and ran around making sure they were comfortable and always wore make up to hide the dark circles.
It was all a facade - I felt totally inadequate. I have very high standards and aspirations for myself which, academically and professionally I can attain by pushing myself that bit harder or further but parenthood is totallly different. Especially if you are not particularly maternal. I know many people think that it comes naturally but it really doesn't.
On top of that, I find babies boring and the lack of adult conversation totally mind numbing and then I felt guilty for everyone coming and cooing. I love them when theyy get to 1 and start to walk and generally become more interesting. If I am honest I felt totally stifled and it is because I really hadn't understood how much my life would change on his arrival.
I never resented my son and I don't think I was depressed - I think I was grieving for my life and my sense of worth which I just didn't get from being a mother. I know many people might find it hard to relate to that and I know lots of mums (English!) find so much joy in their children but I practically skipped back to work after maternity leave and I found that only having a shorter amount of time with my son each day actually made me appreciate him 100% more. I was now the one coming in and cooing at him and making my time with him count.
Sorry I have rambled and still haven't found that proverb!