Thursday, November 12, 2009
Hereinafter referred to as "the funk"...
Blah. That pretty much sums up what this blog is about. Blah. The energy it takes to even type "blah" right now, is ridiculous. I was talking to Charlie last night, and the night before, and the night before that....about the fact that I think I may still be suffering from post-partum depression. (Hereinafter referred to as "the funk.") Poor Charlie.
Seriously (crap, I use that word a lot these days), but seriously, that poor guy fell in love with a woman who tricked him into thinking she had it all together. And, I must admit, I put on quite the performance. But, this actress is getting tired of the show schedule, and I am no longer packing the house every night. My feet ache from all the dancing, and I keep forgetting my lines.
I write this just as I am about to call the doc and admit that maybe I need a shove towards sanity in the form of "medimeece" ("medicine" in our house, thanks to a 2 year old Morgan.) Why do I fight against the whole anti-depressant thing? I guess, because I took the meds for so long - and tried just about everyone they had - back when I was married to my first husband. Nothing seemed to work. Soon after my second child was born the post-partum set in. Soon after that, my marriage started it's slow descent into death. It was hard separating the two. Did my marriage fail because of my funk? Or was the funk brought on by the state of my marriage? Looking back, I had good reason to be depressed. It was situational.
Now, however, there is no obvious reason for me to be so down. No reason for the constant fatigue that is nearly painful. I have an amazing husband. Three gorgeous girls, who although are not perfect, they certainly are amazing and wonderful. Nice house. Good job, in fact, my dream job, which has taken off like wild fire! A whole group of wonderful supportive friends, both in "real life" and in my social networks. And, although it certainly drags me down, my weight is hardly at the point of a major mental issue for me right now. And, yes...I'm getting PLENTY of sleep. Why the heck can I not snap out of it???
So, it certainly seems logical that there is a chemical imbalance up in here. My brain tells me very logically, "You need the medicinal push to get the ball rolling towards sanity, Kim." But, the little devil on my shoulder says, "What about the side-effects. Oh my gosh. You HATE the side effects! The haze. The stomach issues. The weight gain. Don't do it, Kim!" What do I have to say to that? I say, I'm dealing with most of that stuff anyway, what does it really matter at this point? I feel maybe I can only go up from here.
So, there. Once again, I have bared my soul on the internet. May I ask one favor of you all? Please don't read this and feel all sorry for me. If you have gone through this - share your story, your success, your struggle. But, please don't feel like you have to cheer me up for sympathize. That just makes me feel worse.
And, please...share your life with me. One of the neatest things about blogging has been to find a few other people going through the same stuff. But, one of the hardest things, and a huge reason why I haven't blogged in a while...is that this relationship with you seems so one-sided. I blog. I vomit up my life (good and bad), and rarely get anything in return. I want to know about YOU! So, could everybody please start a blog? Ha, ha!
Love and peace through Christ Jesus my Lord,