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I'm a child of God, wife to Charlie, mom to three beautiful girls, daughter to Dennis and Susan, and friend to as many as I can meet. (In that order.) Welcome to my bloggaroni. :) Follow me on Twitter: thatsmykimjay / Go to my site: www.kimjay.com

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Weighing in...

So, I've been thinking about doing this for awhile and I have to admit, I'm still not sure this is a good idea. BUT...I just feel this constant tug inside of me to open this part of myself up to my blog-friends.

It's a subject we women talk about nearly 90% of the time. Yes, more than we talk about our children, our husbands, our shoes, and our moms.


More specifically, body image. I clarify, because I really have no particular issue with my weight NUMBER. I will tell you. I weigh 155 pounds. There. I said it. And, yes, I am 5'10" tall. So, no, my actual WEIGHT is not a problem. The problem comes when you consider distribution.

Distribution is a problem in many facets of our life. When four lanes of traffic are trying to merge into one, you have a distribution problem. When 100 people are leaving a movie theater with two doors, there is a distribution problem. When there is still plenty of toothpaste in the tube, but it still takes you a full minute to get to it, distribution. When you roll to the middle to cuddle with your sweetie, and you have to roll up a "hill" where neither of you regularly occupy the mattress, distribution.

When you are still trying to fit into your size 8 jeans when your butt belongs in a 12 or 14, for me, distribution. My ankles? Still the same size. My wrists? Still the same. Feet? Same. Length? Same. But, well, my butt, my gutt, my hips, and my back...they are the only areas on my frame that fluctuate in volume.

Oh, to be tall, you say. Oh, to be so skinny, you say. Well, yes, I am tall. And, I must admit, it does help camouflage the middle section. And, I do have some freaky skinny fingers, arms, ankles, toes, and shoulders. Thank you, God. Seriously, I'm thankful. But, how many times have I wondered how I would look if I could squeeze the fat in my butt and back into those skinny appendages and even it all out? Probably a kadrillion.

When Charlie and I met online, we talked a bunch, exchanged a ton of JPEGS (photos for those of you who are not quite as geeky as me), and we both imagined meeting each other in person. What does this person REALLY look like? Then, when we met (in March - thank God for jean and sweater season!) I asked Charlie what about me surprised him the most. His answer: my "spaghetti arms." Really. (To be pronounced as they do on SNL's weekend update.) REAAAllleee?!?!?

The conversation went on to him very thankfully approving of, even being attracted to, my body. This led to my feeling the need to give him a very clear, concise disclaimer: "Objects in tight fitting jeans may not be in reality as they appear." I explained to him that as a marketing person, it's all about packaging. Let's face it, french fries in a little white paper envelope with yellow arches on them, look better than those that come out of your oven. A sundae with a cherry on top looks better than a cup of icecream. Manure when it is ground up and added to some topsoil looks better than the turd your neighbor's dog left in your yard. You get the point - and so did he....on our first diving trip that involved me in a BATHING SUIT! I can't tell you how many times I felt the need to remind him that I had pushed two humans through this frame!

All that's to say, I'm really kind of bumming lately about my weight. When Randy left, I couldn't eat for weeks. I could not make myself eat. It was wonderful. I know. Very unhealthy, but dang! I got sooooo skinny! I went from 159 pounds to 129 pounds in two months. I know. VERY unhealthy. But, oh man. I had not worn a size 8, and sometimes a size 6, since high school! That summer I was in 14-16's! I had no idea how big I had gotten until I started losing it. To be honest, the few weeks of not eating was only responsible for about 10 of those pounds. To deal with stress, I walked. I walked and talked to God for hours every single day. The girls were in school, I was job hunting, and walking, and praying. I ate healthy for a change. And, instead of drinking Cokes all day...water.

I'm rambling now. I'll get to my current state. Post-baby. Ugh. I'm so friggin' tired all the time, I'm craving sugar, which is making me crash, then crave more. I'm lucky to get a shower, so I feel to exercise first would be a luxury that is completely selfish given that the laundry is not done and there are rings in my toilets. Not getting that daily Bible time in. Not to mention my photo-biz. But, I also feel like I might have inadvertently done the ol' bait-n-switch on Charlie. He married this cute little size 8. And, now...size 12. Not so bad, but there is a whole closet full of 8's I just can't seem to part with. I did give some jeans away. And, some shirts. But, I'm hanging on to the nice stuff. I still have a pile of jeans that have no business being in my closet anymore.

So, what do I do? What is the most important thing? What gets dropped off the list? Nothing seems negotiable right now. I can starve myself, and make my family hate me, and be a bad example of self-esteem to my girls. I can just live with the new me. I can have surgery (seriously considering a tummy-tuck - another blog for another day.) It just seems like there are so many demands on women these days to be everything. None spoken. We put it all on ourselves. I'm sure Charlie is more than happy with me just as I am. But, there is that voice in my head that says, Or is he just being nice?

We all talk about it all day long - about all the things about our bodies we do not like. What is the RIGHT thing to do? I really would like to talk to Jesus in person about this one. Are we all running around obsessed with our bodies to the detriment of our relationship with Him? Probably. I am at a total loss and would appreciate any of your thoughts, opinions, suggestions. Note: I am not in any way asking for anyone of you to complement me or make me feel better in any way. Nor, am I insinuating that there is ANYTHING wrong with a size 12. There was a point in my life that I jumped up and down to be a 12. It's just that right now, in my "season" of life, I feel icky and unhealthy. You are all beautiful just as you are. And, that's the truth!

With a boat-load of love,



  1. I'm probably the last person you wanted or expected to hear from, but as a person stuggling with my own weight issues, let me just say that I can understand to a degree what you are going through. I have just in the last few months taken the responsibility to try and get my weight under control and to start trying to fit in some of those clothes that I love from not so long ago. I walk almost everyday(4-5 times a week) and really just keep an overall watch on my calorie count. You are in a much better place to start from than I am/was, but that simple formula is working wonders for me right now. I'm nowhere near what I need to be, but I'm on way. I can't begin to tell you how much I agree with you on the therapeutic nature of walking. I'm at the point now when I get visibly, emotinally distraught when I can't go. I NEED to do it now. My day isn't complete without it. I also make sure to drink TONS of water. Water works as a hunger suppressant for me, though I know it doesn't work for everyone. If you really want to break down how much time/effort you need to put in, you may want to consider going to the U of M and getting your resting metabolic rate measured. That can tell you how much exercise you will need as well as how much you should be eating day-to-day. Anyway, I'm rambling. Best of luck! You can do it! And on a side note, I am FIRED UP to be doing Kairos with Charlie!

  2. I know just how you feel as I've been there myself. 10s were getting tight and I refused to buy 12s.I lost 20lbs this past spring and am down to a 6 or 8. Incentive to keep the weight off is all the cute summer clothes that I bought. I want to keep wearing them and I'm looking forward to buying clothes for the fall. I cut my calories WAY back and watched my portion size. YOU can do it. Losing it feels SO much better. Good luck!

  3. I love how honest you are about your positive attributes. When I am on the self body hating kick, I can't even love my hair, which is my stand by...I may have BINGO arms, but at least I have great hair. Focus on those arms, long thin neck and rockin pianist fingers while you work on the other areas. Good luck! Oh and I couldn't help but notice the Old Navy Sweatheart jeans...are they not the best for curvy butts!?!

  4. Ugh--I know exactly how you feel only unfortunately it just looks like I'm about to give birth and have yet to even THINK about having kids. My husband can eat whatever he wants and doesn't gain (actually he loses!) it's depressing. He loves me no matter what and I know that but I don't love me when I look like this! I need to lose about 15 pounds. I basically just cut back on everything and work out. I am not dieting because the minute I got off the diet I'd gain it back! I would just find a happy medium and cut back every weekday and cheat on the weekends. I bet you'll start losing in NO TIME!

  5. I'm the same exact size as you - 5'10" and 155 (did I just really write that on the internet?) and can completely understand the sentiment. Another 10 lbs off my frame would make me look like a goddes, but alas, I eat candy or chocolate or too much food and my weight stays the same.
    I don't know what to tell you, just to say I understand.

  6. I can so relate to everything you've said. Weight has been on my mind a lot too because, for the same reasons you mention, I haven't been able to make it a priority. I've just started going to the gym again and on the days that I do, it seems like I get a whole lot less done. I too have forfeited time with God which I tell myself should be my no. 1 priority... so why don't I make it so? Sounds like we have the exact same body weight issues: tall, "thin" but unevenly distributed. I laughed at how you described wishing you could redistribute the weight from your bottom to the rest of you! I wish that, like, EVERY DAY!! I also dropped a lot of weight from stress last summer when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and was down to a size 4! He is now cancer-free and I'm back up to a size 10. So many clothes in my closet that I wore just last summer and are now just taunting me. So, I've made time to go to the gym just 3 days a week. It's a good start and I do feel better. Just don't have the answer as to how to balance it all out. When you figure it out, let us all know!

    So glad I found your blog - love the way you write!

  7. Hello sweetie..u got me too interested when u started talking about body image and weight loss..u r a size 12??..i'm a size 14!!..all my life i tried a zillion type of diets..and i really mean the number zillion!!..then..now in my age ( Ahem..38.. )..i realized that i have been starving myself for ages and the result is that i never became Heidi Klum or Jessica Beil!!..so suddenly i realized i'm perfect as i am..just like the way God created me..and that getting less chocolate or carbohydrates isn't just to lose weight,but to maintain a good health..that's my share for tonight..hope u don't mind intruding on this blog like this..but..i like you!!..Doaa

  8. I'm new to all this world of Twitter and blogs..i'm the one who follows u on Twitter??..dshendi??..i can't understand what they mean by the anonymous profile so i choose that one!!

  9. You just said everything I have ever wanted to say about my body. Thank you.

    I, like you, am 5'10", and size 12 with size 8 pants lurking in the back of my closet. And while I do not have children, I do know what it feels like to go back and forth on body image and life and the like. Thank you for sharing, and you have made my day.

  10. Love your writing! I, too, am 155 lbs but am 5'4". Oh to be 5'10"! I guess I should be thankful now that my load is pretty evenly distributed making me a solid size 10. Thank you for helping me put my own struggles into perspective! I suppose we'll all struggle on together and look forward to reading more - you rock!

  11. I am just grateful that you didn't get my body type and had to deal with 75 pounds instead of 10. You are perfect to me.