Yes, I said it. I'm a control freak. This crazy label has been wielded at me with malice, humor, fear, and angst.
I didn't fully believe it until several years ago. I was at a weekend-long group therapy session way back in the day when I was grasping at anything and everything I could find that might possibly help me deal with my failing marriage. We had to endure one of those "exercises" where you have to trust another human being. They told us we would get a partner, blind fold one of us, and the other would be in charge of leading the blind one around a field next to the venue we were therapizing in. I thought, Oh, this will be fun - just like the stuff I used to do with the youth at the church.
She went first, and I guided her around in the line following our leader around the empty lot. Not too much to worry about. A crevice here and there where the earth had been moved around and rained on. Some weeds, some empty coke and beer cans. Fun. Now, my turn. At first it was okay, fun even. Until... I hear screams and laughter and then slapping and more screams. The woman in front of me was "led" into a mound of fire ants. Then the "group leader" started yelling for our partners to quickly head another direction. Why? Why not let us take these stupid blindfolds off and let us RUN to another direction?
Then, totally out of nowhere, I feel like I've been locked in a trunk, unable to get out. I stop and take off my blindfold. The leaders gave me some very disapproving looks and body language - and I felt all of two years old. So, not to be further embarrassed and singled-out, I put the blind fold back on. Very soon after, I hear a voice in my ear, "Deep breath in, deep breath out." What the heck? I'm not giving birth here! Why was this woman "talking me through" this? Oh, that's why - I suddenly felt as though I was going to faint. I was hyperventilating. The blind fold is coming off, dam (as in Hoover Dam, mom) it! The day after that point - was a long session in which 10 strangers explained to me that I was having "control" issues. No duh.
You see, I have no trouble with control as long I have faith in the one controlling me. Or, as long as I know what's ahead. I don't think that is so "crazy." Do you? Why else do we worry to death when our daughter is driving the car (not having even her full license yet) and snooze away when our husbands are driving? We have faith in the experience of the latter. With all that being said - I'm worried about my girls this week. I won't stop worrying until they return. It's about all I can think about. I am eagerly waiting for every call or text from Brady Lady. I don't expect them from Moey. She's cool. She don't need me. (Wink.)
With all that worrying, I guess I'm not placing my faith in the One who deserves it most. I know in my intellectual mind that God can handle just about anything. HA! So, why is it so hard for me to keep the blindfold on? Why do I constantly have to keep peeking around the corner and begging people that just came off the ride to tell me what it's like? Why can't I just wait my turn and see for myself what God has in store? He has proven Himself time and time again. Look at Charlie Jay for goodness sakes! That man is a miracle. I trust him more than I trust myself! If anyone has thought through, analyzed, and weighed the consequences in any given situation (including the purchase of diapers at Kroger vs Costco), it's Charlie Jay.
Yes, God has taken care of me. And, I know He has to love my sweet little girls more than anything - even more than I do. I have to know He's watching them and protecting them - even when they are away from me. Oh, Lord - what am I gonna do when Morgan goes off to college????? Crap! More worrying! I'm gonna put it out of my mind and go eat a doughnut. :)
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.