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I'm a child of God, wife to Charlie, mom to three beautiful girls, daughter to Dennis and Susan, and friend to as many as I can meet. (In that order.) Welcome to my bloggaroni. :) Follow me on Twitter: thatsmykimjay / Go to my site: www.kimjay.com

Monday, June 15, 2009

What a difference two years makes...

Man. Two years ago, I was all excited. Felt all cute, and skinny, with my new handsome husband. Even before that, after I was separated from my ex, I lost a ton of weight (not the healthy way) and got a little make-over and felt like I was finally crawling out of the stay-at-home-mom cave I was hiding in. I was in the dating scene - ever so briefly before I met Charlie. It was an attention overdose. And, I was high as a kite.

My kids were pretty much self-sufficient in the day-to-day activities such as feeding themselves when they were hungry, dressing themselves, cleaning their rooms (in theory, at least.) I was enjoying them more and more as the little people I saw God growing them into. The summer after we got married, just me and the girls in Richmond, was so much fun! Wanna go to the water park? Grab your suits and jump in the car! Wanna go shopping at Short Pump? Let's go!

What the heck was I thinking? A baby? I had it made in the shade! I might as well just committed to babysitting a litter of puppies everyday for the next five years! PLEASE....DO NOT take me the wrong way. Seriously. I am not taking away the miracle that Anna is, nor the joy she has brought to my life. She is absolutely precious! It is not Anna that I am complaining about. It's the lifestyle.

Things I miss about my life, let's say, three years ago:
1.) My own house. My own dirt. My own schedule.
2.) Uninterrupted, guilt-free, long showers.
3.) Using the bathroom alone.
4.) Jumping in the car to meet a friend at Starbucks.
5.) Going to movies with my daughters.
6.) A man planning a date, asking me out, and then trying to impress me.
7.) The luxury of having time to shave my legs.
8.) The ability to jump, cough, laugh, walk, or dance without peeing.
9.) My body (and I thought it was yucky then.)
10.) Weekends alone.

Now, my mom will inevitably get a hold of this blog and probably make me feel really guilty about whining or complaining and not seeing the joy in every detail of my life. But, if you're listening mom, at least I'm not cussing like Linda's daughter! So, be thankful. :) Even now, as I write this, the guilt rubs.

Every day is a struggle against wanting to lay down and cry, wanting to be thrilled with my life, wanting to be a good wife and mom. But, dang it, I just don't have the energy! There's gotta be other women out there like me. God has given us the world! But, we are just too busy, or tired, or frustrated to enjoy it. And, those judgmental moms out there say to themselves, "Well, she just needs to let some stuff go and savor every minute!" What? I've already let go of showers, clean toilets, and bathing suits.

My dear, sweet Aunt, with wonderful intentions commented to a status update I had on Facebook. This is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. My status update involved the fact that I knew I should let Anna cry it out, but it was soooo hard. She told me to "spoil that child" don't let her cry, love her cause she might be my last. I knew where she was coming from and I love her. But, she had no idea that I was letting her "cry it out" because I wouldn't let her play in the toilet! This is what I'm saying. It is so exhausting being a mom. You want to be all happy all the time, but the fatigue grabs you by the throat and cuts off your oxygen. You do and say things you never thought you would.

Agh! This photography blog is no longer a photography blog, is it?

Have a wonderful day! And, for those of you with older children - take them to the pool! Why? Because you can! Here is a "Then" and "Now" pic for your enjoyment!

Then Now

1 comment:

  1. Kim,

    I just now read this... and I have to say, I feel EXACTLY the same way! Oh my! I have been riddled with guilt for feeling this way! I ADORE my children, but I can't help feeling trapped! I miss the same things you miss (with the exception of time with the older kids...) and I find myself being envious of my husband's 20-minute commute! He gets to be alone, listen to whatever he wants on the car stereo, go out to lunch with friends... He has a life.

    So, I say to you, dear Kim, you are NOT alone. Do not let anyone tell you that you should do or feel anything! (Trust me, there are those in my life making those comments, too!) You have past experience to tell you that this too shall pass... (right?) so, we will complain and whine our way through it! But we will get through it. And you will have thousands of photos to remind you of the best parts... and a blog, which you can delete to remind you of the hard parts! ;^)

    Keep up the good work! And know that I am only one of millions who share your "pain"!